


Remember The Monsters

by llupin



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Relationships, F/M, Fluff, High School, Light Angst, M/M, Memories, Pining, wanted to write fluff tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6094336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llupin/pseuds/llupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinra takes a look back over some of his fondest memories of Izaya and Shizuo, and their high school antics, telling Celty some of his favourite stories.</p>
<p>A story told in a series of flashbacks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

With an exasperated sigh, the glasses clad doctor fell into the kitchen chair with a whine, and let his head fall on the table before him. The exhaustion of a long night taking it's toll on his body, which ached painfully and pined for the comfort of his bed.

“That took a lot longer than expected,” he mumbled, reaching out to take hold of Celty's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

[I'm sorry. They have no business knocking on our door at two o'clock in the morning. I will talk to Shizuo about it.]

“No need, Shizuo couldn't ever be more apologetic, he doesn't mean to cause a fuss. It's not his fault anyway...” Shinra was now resting his head in his free hand, a weary smile on his face. He didn't even have to say the name for Celty to understand who he was talking about. 

[They can't go on like this forever.]

“Hm, I wish I could agree, but I think their hatred runs so deep now that it would be weird for them to suddenly not feel it at all. I bet they'd feel lost without it.” Shinra sighed, with a strange twinkle in his eye that Celty recognised as something the doctor had when he was up to no good, “you know, they weren't always like this. Don't get me wrong, they hated each other, but during high school we spent a lot of time together. Because I forced them to, of course. They would bicker a lot, and cause trouble, but things weren't always this bad. That was until Izaya... you know...” Shinra pursed his lips, as much as he swore blind that he loved and cared for his friends a lot, equally, and regardless of their questionable lifestyles, Izaya seemed to enjoy pushing the boundaries a little too often, making himself the hardest person to continue caring for, even by Shinra's standards. 

[Really? I can't imagine them ever having a civil conversation, let alone actually spending time together.]

Shinra laughed, lately it certainly was hard to believe that his memories were in fact memories, and not just tales he had fabricated to make his teenage years seem less of an embarrassing, chaotic mess to anybody that had the time to listen to him talk about them, or even bothered to ask. The doctor was sure anybody who knew Shizuo and Izaya for who they were now would never believe the stories he could tell, of their days back in Raijin when Shizuo didn't hate Izaya so furiously, and Izaya was a little less... Izaya. 

The doctor leaned back in his chair, rubbing his tired eyes as his mind wandered back a few years, flashing some of his fondest, funniest and scariest memories before him. It was hard to recall a memory of high school or of a special occasion that wasn't tarnished in some way by Shizuo and Izaya doing what they do best. But it wasn't that Shinra minded that at all, honestly he had enjoyed almost every moment of his time spent with his three best friends back then. 

To be frank, Shinra did not have many friends, because in all honesty with Celty around, he didn't feel like he needed friends, nor had he ever particularly wanted them. In elementary school he had taken a shine to Shizuo simply because he had been interested in Shizuo's body, and he had longed to perform experiments on the boy to see why Shizuo was as strong as he was. 

In middle school it had been Celty who pushed Shinra into finding himself a real friend. With Shizuo, who attended a different school now, out of the picture, Celty felt that Shinra could use a friend or two, and that it would be good for him to join a club. So Shinra, desperate to impress and win the heart of the girl he loved, had picked Izaya, noticing that he was the only other student in the class without a friend, and after pestering Izaya for a while, the two eventually formed a biology club. 

Then, finally, the time came for them to attend high school. Shinra had been thrilled to learn that Shizuo would be attending the same high school as himself and Izaya and had been excited to introduce them; Celty would be proud of his ability to form a small friendship group, right? Of course that hadn't exactly gone to plan, and for a while things seemed like they were only going to get worse, but then Kyohei Kadota, who shared many of the same classes as Shinra, somehow found himself dragged into their dysfunctional group, and was better at keeping a lid on Shizuo and Izaya, being able to diffuse most of their arguments before they got too out of hand. Most of the time.

So that was that. The four wildest, weirdest and scariest boys in school had somehow found their way into each others lives, forming an unlikely friendship that nobody could have predicted, all thanks to Shinra's obsessive persistence to win Celty's hand in marriage someday. Most of the other students avoided them, the majority out of fright that Shizuo might decide to attack them next, and Izaya didn't help this by fuelling the rumours that Shizuo was just a rage filled monster at every chance he got, which usually resulted in another fight. 

“Thus proving my point!” Izaya would yell loudly for everybody around them to hear as he walked away from the destruction Shizuo had left in his wake, sending Shizuo a cheeky grin and wink over his shoulder as he left.

Tmes were certainly different now, however. Izaya no longer lived in Ikebukuro, he no longer played Shizuo for fun, his motives and intentions deeper and more sinister. Kyohei was mostly on the straight and narrow with a good job and friends of his own, and Shinra and Shizuo had jobs so vastly different they barely had time to see one another. Unless, of course, Shizuo had managed to get himself injured from chasing Izaya or getting into fights with street gangs.

In a way, Shinra missed the old times, they were certainly easier, and he definitely recalled laughing a lot more than he did now. 

A smile crept onto the doctors face as one particular memory stood out to him the most, a nostalgic feeling filling his gut and warming his chest like sitting beside a warm fire after playing out in the snow all afternoon.

“Hey Celty, do you remember that time I went paintballing?” 

-x-

“... And don't shoot anybody in the face. The safety goggles can only do so much to protect you.” The instructor finished the rules with a laugh, as though the last point he made was the most obvious one. Of course you would never want to shoot your friend in the face with a paint ball, right? 

Izaya turned his head to face to meet Shizuo's steely gaze, his own eyes wide with excitement at the prospect of facing off with Shizuo with a gun in both their hands.

“Don't even think about it. If you even try then I swear to God Shinra will be planning your funeral next week.” 

“You have so little faith in me, Shizu-chan.” Izaya pouted, irritated that Shizuo had seen through his plans, the boy was sharper than Izaya cared to give him credit for. “Besides we're on the same team, why would I shoot you?” 

“Because you're a flea.” Shizuo sighed. Shizuo felt as though the universe was against him today, not only had he been forced to come paintballing, something Shizuo would rather avoid for his entire life if he could, but he had also been placed into a team with the flea, whilst Kyohei and Shinra had ended up in another one, together, as their opponents. 

“I wouldn't turn on my own team mates!”

“I find that hard to believe,” Shizuo snorted, loading his own gun as their team began to disband and head out into the field, leaving Shizuo and Izaya lagging behind quite a bit, though Shizuo didn't mind that so much, he planned to stay as far out of the main battle as he possibly could. 

“I want to win, you know, so making you my enemy would be stupid, don't you think? I have no doubt that you're the strongest monster here, and definitely the scariest. It's better to be on your side.” Izaya was struggling with loading his own gun, trying to copy Shizuo but without much luck. 

Shizuo said nothing; if Izaya had not wanted to make an enemy out of him perhaps he should have been kinder on their first day of high school instead of trying to slice him open with a knife. But Shizuo didn't want to get into that now, he would rather not talk to Izaya at all, and hoped the flea would take the hint and wander off alone into the middle of the fray, where Shinra and Kyohei would be able to pelt him with as many paintballs as possible. 

Shizuo could dream, right? 

The sound of guns firing filled the air and Izaya stared longingly into the distance towards the source of the sound. It was clear the raven was itching to throw himself right into the midst of the battle, but for some reason he was holding back. 

“Aren't you going to go shoot somebody?” Shizuo grumbled, “isn't that what you want?”

“Aren't you going?”

“No.”

“Then neither am I.” Izaya shrugged easily, delighted to see the annoyance so clearly on the blond's face. “I need protection, don't I? You should be jumping to protect your senpai.” 

“My what? I would never protect you,” Shizuo snapped, now wishing they had been put on opposing teams so he had an excuse to shoot Izaya several times. If he had the opportunity to be the one to bruise Izaya all over and paint him all the colours of the rainbow then perhaps he would have been more invested in this game. “I'm going this way, don't follow me or I'll shoot your knees.”

“We're a team, Shizu-chan!” Izaya called after him, but Shizuo was glad to hear that the raven's voice had grown distant, suggesting that he had walked in the opposite direction.

For a while Shizuo was doing well in keeping himself hidden, and so he remained fairly clean and free of pain. He had no desire to spend his entire evening in the shower trying to free his hair of dry paint, he had only just managed to get it free of all the glitter from one of Izaya's latest pranks. Shizuo's face soured at the thought of the flea, feeling irritable Shizuo kicked out at the wall he was currently hidden behind; it shook violently from the force, threatening to crumble if Shizuo lashed out again.

“You'll have to pay for damages, y'know.”

“What are you doing here?” Shizuo spoke in a growl, turning around quickly and pointing his gun at Izaya's chest. 

“Hey!” Izaya pushed the barrel down and held it steady, “we're team mates!” 

“Stop saying that! You're gonna make me throw up, as if I'd ever consider myself a part of your team.” Shizuo grunted, snatching his gun from Izaya's grip.

Shizuo turned his back on Izaya and heard an impatient sigh, one he had grown used to over all the time he had spent apparently disappointing Izaya. Then, with no warning, a sharp pain struck the back of his leg like a wasp sting, with the sound of Izaya pulling the trigger and his hyena-like laughter.

“YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Shizuo roared, so loud that his voice travelled over the field to the other team mates, sending a cool shiver down all of their spines and bringing them to a stand still, turning in the direction of the animalistic screeching.

“... Oh no...” Kyohei breathed, exchanging a concerned glance with Shinra, who was positively beaming, excited over what was about to take place.

Moments later, Izaya came running past at full speed, aiming his gun over his shoulder and firing at the blond boy, he wore a focused expression but the glint in his eyes was a tell tale sign that he was enjoying every second of this. Shizuo came charging after him like an starved lion chasing it's prey; his eyes locked on nothing but Izaya. 

“Catch me if you can, Beasty!” Izaya roared with laughter as he practically skipped over any objects that were mainly used to duck behind by paintballers in midst of a battle. 

“I'll kill you!” Shizuo shouted, throwing his gun at Izaya but missing his target – to nobody's surprise. 

By this point, everybody else had dived out of the way, (Shinra being dragged by a frantic Kyohei) terrified of the boy that was now pulling bricks from walls with ease and throwing them at his team mate with so much strength they crumbled into pieces the moment they collided with the ground, as the raven danced around them laughing. 

Growing quickly tired of failing to hit his target, Shizuo let out a snarl of frustration and lunged forwards, catching Izaya off guard. Crashing into the raven with force Shizuo sent them both tumbling. Izaya felt the wind being knocked out of his gut and choked out a raspy gasp as he felt his back collide with something hard and cold, and the world went black. 

Aching terribly, Izaya managed to push his eyes open to see himself lying amongst the rubble of what had once been a small cabin used to hide in. Lifting himself into a sitting position, he looked to his left to see Shizuo sat a few metres away, brushing himself down with his hands, his hair now a dirty grey thanks to the heavy layer of dust sat upon it. Izaya looked down at his own clothes, now ripped and torn in the chaos. 

“Tch, look what you did, monster,” Izaya muttered, aiming his gun at Shizuo's face and pulling the trigger. 

-x-

[So what happened after that?]

“They destroyed the place, of course. Their parents got a hefty fine I think, but I never heard about it. But Shizuo was a grouch for weeks after that.”

[Understandably!]

Shinra cocked his head at Celty's exclamation, a wry smile twisting his lips as he surveyed his girlfriend with a dubious expression on his face. Shinra had long ago realised that Celty disliked Izaya a lot, and was often a little biased when it came to her blond friend and always taking his side, but this was a stretch, even for her. 

“No offence Celty, but sometimes I think you forget that Shizuo doesn't have to chase Izaya the way that he does...”


	2. Chapter 2

It didn't annoy the headless rider that her boyfriend was right, that would be a fairly petty reason to have the uncomfortable niggling feeling of irritation biting at her from under her skin. It was what Shinra was right about that was the bother.

Of course she knew Shizuo didn't have to rise to Izaya's taunts, of course she knew if Shizuo were able to control himself better, Ikebukuro would probably be a different city, and life would be undoubtedly easier for herself and Shinra. But she couldn't blame Shizuo for his outbursts, and it wasn't just because they were friends. Izaya was good at getting under people's skin, and he was especially good at getting under Shizuo's, as though he had made it his life's ambition to be as irritating as possible until he finally pushed Shizuo over the edge, he was unrelenting. 

Celty watched on as Shinra busied himself in the kitchen, determined to keep himself awake so he could make them breakfast before Celty had to rush out and start her working day. The busy street just outside their open window, the clanging of pots and pans and Shinra's incessant humming had long ago become the background noise of Celty's life here in this apartment, and she couldn't imagine living anywhere else but right here in the heart of the city. 

But sometimes, more often than not as of late, she would find herself losing time daydreaming of her and Shinra's escape to a little cottage in the country, surrounded by silence and fields for miles and each night sky alight with millions of stars instead of street lights and skyscrapers. 

And of course, no Orihara Izaya. 

Thinking fondly about leaving the city for a more country way of living reminded her of one particular weekend a few years ago, around Shinra's eighteenth birthday. 

As Shinra sat down before her, with a full teapot and two bowls of steaming rice, Celty thrust her PDA across the table for her boyfriend to read. 

“Hm? Oh yeah, that's right, we did go camping!” 

[Why exactly? All I can remember was everybody looking quite upset when you came home.] 

“I always wanted to try camping, but having no friends made that difficult. So when I finally had those guys, I managed to convince them to go for my birthday! It only took... about three years.” Shinra chuckled as he spooned the rice into his mouth, spitting pieces across the table at Celty as he continued to speak, “honestly though, it was terrible idea!”

[Please swallow before you speak.]

-x-

In hindsight, it had been a stupid idea. One of Shinra's worse, without a doubt. Dragging his three friends into the middle of nowhere, equipped only with two torches, a tent and enough snacks to share for the weekend. 

Under any other circumstance Shizuo would have declined the invitation in a heart beat; spending two nights in a tent with Orihara Izaya and Kishitani Shinra sounded like something he would be subjected to in hell and would have preferred to remain at home, eating sweets and watching television. However, this weekend just happened to fall over Shinra's birthday, and Shizuo had already skipped the last of Shinra's Greatest Adventures just three weeks earlier, so to reject the offer would have only made him feel incredibly guilty. Shinra was the kind of friend that would shamelessly plead with his friends to take part in some sort of activity during their time off, until they either threatened him into shutting up and or finally gave in to him out of pity. 

In this particular case, it was due to the latter that Shizuo had found himself carrying several heavy bags under his arms as Shinra lead the way through the bumpy undergrowth, towards a clearing that he had predetermined some weeks ago to be the best place to set up camp.

“Once we have the tent set up we'll make some barbecue food!” Shinra said excitedly, checking the time on his watch and almost stumbling over a rock as he walked.

“Oooh, is Shizu-chan hunting for us? I suppose this is the perfect opportunity to put his barbarian skills to the test!” Izaya shot a twisted grin in Shizuo's direction, but Shizuo was too busy focusing on not tripping over raised roots and branches to bite back. 

“I've brought enough for for everybody!” Shinra replied in a cheery voice, glancing over his shoulder just in time to catch Izaya's eyes narrowing at Shizuo's ignorance. 

It didn't take as long to assemble the tent as Shinra and Kyohei thought it would, much to their relief. They had expected Izaya to make things difficult or for Shizuo to lose his temper, but apparently even those two didn't fancy sleeping out in the open.

Before too long the area was filled with the smell of cooking food, Shizuo felt his stomach grumble whenever his nose caught the scent, and he kept looking eagerly over to where Kyohei and Izaya were knelt over the barbecue. 

The raven was crouched closest, and Shizuo couldn't help but wish he would fall face first into the smouldering coal. Shizuo grimaced, he only half wished Izaya would fall and burn his face, but he would never be able to admit that. Truthfully, Shizuo would have preferred to have Izaya as a friend, or at least an acquaintance. This ever growing rivalry they had between them was tiresome, Shizuo just wanted a quiet life, and the blond knew it could never end well if they carried on chasing each other down this path. Things would only get worse from here on out. But Izaya showed no signs of becoming a better person, or of leaving Shizuo alone, and so despite how much Shizuo wished for change, things stayed the same between them.

“You know what we should do when we're done eating!” Shinra shouted suddenly, cutting across Shizuo's thoughts and bringing him back to the reality. “We should tell ghost stories!”

“No.” The three friends spoke at the same time.

“But it's a camping tradition! Sitting around a camp fire -”

“Tradition or not, they're dumb. There's no such thing as ghosts, Shinra,” Izaya sighed, “are you stupid?” 

“You don't believe in ghosts?” Shinra said as a frown appeared on his lips, his glasses tipping down his nose a little when he tilted his head, “you're sitting next to a guy who can lift vending machines above his head, and you know all about Celty!” 

“Yes, but they're alive. They're monsters, but they're alive.” There was a grunt of annoyance from across the fire but Izaya ignored it and continued, feeling himself smirk at the noise, “look, once you're dead, you're dead. There is no afterlife, there is no wandering the earth as a restless spirit.” 

“What makes you so sure?” Kyohei asked, raising his eyebrows. 

“Nothing at all, Dotachin! This is just what I believe, I could be wrong of course, but until I see the proof of the existence of ghosts, I'll stick by what I said. I can't believe in something I don't know to be true, you know? I like seeing things for myself. This is why I think it's important to do what you love in this life, because once you're dead, you're gone, it's game over. Think of all that wasted potential. Why do so many humans sit around and waste their lives, waiting for something to happen, when they could just go out and get it for themselves? It's fascinating, don't you think? That so many people dream of a better life, but do next to nothing to achieve that. They make up such excuses too! I can't leave them behind. I can't lie. I don't deserve that. If only they thought what I thought, that this was our only chance, don't you think they would behave differently?”

They fell silent for a while, ignoring the question that Izaya had proposed to them, the weight of the raven's words hanging in the air around them. These sort of moments were not uncommon, Izaya would often, passionately, express his beliefs, no matter how sensitive, or dark a subject it may be, and force the rest of them to wallow in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes afterwards.

Kyohei cleared his throat, breaking the silence and turning the attention to him, “in any case, it wouldn't be a good idea, Shinra. We're in the middle of nowhere, we're stuck out here until Sunday afternoon, so we don't want to freak ourselves out,” Kyohei said reasonably, and Shizuo wondered who out of the four of them would ever be able to scare themselves enough to want to return home anyway, even if they were to come face to face with a real demon or a spirit, would any of them be scared?

Shizuo couldn't imagine Izaya being frightened of anything, his warped personality was probably to blame for that, and Shinra was just as much a twisted freak as Izaya, he'd find anything supernatural interesting and probably want to investigate. Kyohei seemed too level headed to be spooked by something as simple as a ghost story.

“Actually, I've changed my mind! I'm with Shinra!” Izaya bounced to his feet suddenly, standing beside Shinra, wearing a seemingly innocent smile that most people would fall for if they didn't know the real Izaya, but Shizuo was not easily fooled. 

“I don't want to do anything this maggot wants to do.”

“What's the matter Shizu-chan, you don't believe that there are monsters worse than you out there, do you? Just think, something even you can't hurt!” Izaya had a mouth as wide as a Cheshire cat's as he spoke. 

Shizuo clicked his tongue in annoyance and clenched his jaw, determined to not give Izaya the satisfaction of an argument, but also not wanting to let Izaya believe that he was too scared to talk about ghosts in the middle of the woods. So the blond just gave a one shouldered shrug, looking to the ground so to avoid Kyohei's pleading eyes. Kyohei sighed, realising it was now three to one. 

“Great!” Shinra seemed thrilled, and he let out a loud screech that sounded somewhere between laughter and a cry of excitement. He wasn't used to getting his way all the time. 

As Shinra started rambling about something new, Shizuo met Izaya's eyes and scowled, realising that Izaya had changed his mind for a reason. Izaya had a plan, and whenever Izaya had a plan, usually it didn't bode well for the rest of them. 

-x-

“I heard this one story when I was younger. It's true, might I add.” Unlike the story-tellers before him, Izaya did not bother to lower his voice and use a creepy tone, but Shizuo decided that he didn't need to do that to make his words creepy anyway. Shizuo had also decided whatever was going to come out of Izaya's mouth was definitely not true, nevertheless, it was probably going to be worse than the stories Kyohei and Shinra had told.

Shizuo had spent most of his time tuning out the sound of Kyohei and Shinra's stories, not because he felt he would be too scared to sleep afterwards, but because he knew his turn to speak would come soon, and the scariest story he knew was the day he met Izaya. 

“It's not about ghosts or anything like that though. It's about a murderer.” Izaya looked around the camp fire to see if everybody was listening, Shinra looked immersed already, and Kyohei looked as though he was at least paying attention. Shizuo, however, could not look more bored, his eyes not focused at all and staring off into the distance. “Shizu-chan!”

“What?”

“Are you listening?”

“I think I see something over there,” Shizuo raised a single finger and pointed towards the trees. “I've been watching it move about for a while. It's getting closer.” 

“Shut up, Shizu-chan.” 

“I'm being serious,” Shizuo grumbled, finally turning his head to look in Izaya's direction. 

Shinra and Kyohei were now more interested in what Shizuo had claimed to have seen skulking about in the trees, Shinra was wide eyed and staring though it was hard to tell if he was intrigued or worried. Shizuo smirked at Izaya, who's expression fell somewhere between loathing and disgust. 

“If you're too scared to listen to anymore stories, Shizu-chan, perhaps you should go and hide in the tent. Stop trying to distract them from listening to -”

“I saw something!” Shizuo demanded. 

“Maybe it's one of your kind finally coming to find you, to take you back to your home world,” Izaya spat, picking up a pebble from the ground and launching it at Shizuo's head. It bounced off his hair and fell to the floor. 

There was a beat of silence, and then suddenly Shizuo was on his feet, jumping across the fire and landing on top of Izaya, the raven grunting in pain as his head collided with the ground. Shizuo raised his fist high above his head, the fingers of his free hand slamming against Izaya's chest to hold him still.

“I'm gonna kill you!” Shizuo shouted, but Izaya was still wearing a smirk, his eyes watering slightly from the pain of the sudden impact.

“Shizuo!”

“Shizuo get off him!” 

“Go on then,” Izaya murmured. 

“Shizuo, stop it!” Shinra had his hands around Shizuo's shoulders, the boy knew he stood no chance in pulling his friend off of Izaya, but he couldn't just stand aside and let this happen. “Please!”

Shizuo's fist uncurled at the word, and with a tut he got off Izaya and made for the tent, kicking at Shinra's fold away chair as he walked past, causing it to snap shut and crumple to the ground.

“I did see something!” 

Anger crackled in his stomach like the flames of the camp fire, wanting nothing more than to go back out there and slam his fist into Izaya's face, Shizuo paced the tent, slightly hunched over thanks to the low roof. They had quickly settled back down outside and Shizuo could hear Izaya speaking quietly, though his words were inaudible, they still made Shizuo mad. 

After half an hour of pacing back and forth in the tiny four man tent, Shizuo finally calmed down enough to sit down and pull out a book he'd stashed in his bag for this exact moment. He had predicted he was going to need take some time for himself after being exposed to Izaya for such an extended period. Shizuo slipped into another world, feeling his body relax as the stress of the day finally began to ease. But his peace and quiet didn't last as long as he would have hoped. The sound of Shinra's shrill scream erupted around him, echoing throughout the field and into the trees, disturbing the remaining birds that had not yet retired to their nests. Shizuo would have been more annoyed if he had not been expecting something like this to happen from the moment Izaya decided to side with Shinra's idea of telling horror stories. 

The tent door ripped open and Shinra came flying inside at full force, throwing himself into Shizuo's side so hard that most other men would have collapsed under the weight. Shizuo, however, remained as stiff as a boulder, and Shinra was probably suffering more at the blunt force than Shizuo was.

“What is it now?” Shizuo asked with a sigh. 

Kyohei and Izaya were now in view of the tent entrance, Kyohei frowning and Izaya trying his best to contain his laughter behind his hand. 

“Izaya said there was a man with an axe going to chop off my head!”

Shizuo roughly gave Shinra a couple of pats on the head before pushing his blubbering friend across the tent.

“Honestly, did you expect anything less?” 

-x-

Shizuo wasn't sure how many hours had past when he woke up. The tent was still dark, and the sound of soft snoring filled the air. He shuffled a little, struggling to find a comfortable position; Shinra was far too close to Shizuo's back but the blond knew there was no room to push Shinra away. 

With a grumble, Shizuo sat himself up, and felt a lurch in his stomach when his eyes fell on a dark silhouette crouched at the end of his sleeping bag. Before he could let out a yelp of surprise, a cold hand was covering his mouth. 

“Shush,” Izaya hissed the warning, the glint of something silver flashed before Shizuo's face and the sharp point of a metal blade was pressed against his neck, “don't scream.”

“You have a knife against my fucking neck,” Shizuo's voice was slightly muffled behind Izaya's fingers, any other person would be quaking at the thought of being held knife point, but Shizuo had instantly relaxed when he realised it was Izaya that had been crouched at his feet. 

Izaya slowly lowered both his hands after he had made Shizuo promise to keep his voice down. 

“There's somebody outside.” Izaya explained shortly, looking back towards the tent flap, which Shizuo now noticed was slightly unzipped. “I saw them when I went to toilet.” 

“Ha, as if I'd believe that,” Shizuo grunted.

“I'm not kidding, Shizu-chan.” Izaya bit back, “have a look for yourself if you don't believe me!”

Shizuo shoved Izaya away and muttered something under his breath about how he was sick of Izaya's pranks. The raven tilted his head to the side and frowned; what could he possibly gain from telling a lie like this? 

“Go back to sleep.” 

“Shizu-chan, I saw these eyes staring at me...” Izaya's voice wavered slightly, but Shizuo figured that was just for effect. 

“Great, hopefully they'll slice you up.”

“I'm being serious, Shizu-chan.” Izaya sighed.

“So am I.”

Shizuo could practically feel Izaya's eyes narrowing at his words as the raven stared at him, crouched like a cat waiting to pounce at the bottom of Shizuo's sleeping bag. Shizuo felt himself stiffen as he prepared himself to fend off Izaya's blade if he were to go for the attack. But it never came, Izaya leaned back on his feet and sighed quietly, turning the blade over in his hands.

“Do you really think they've come to try and kill us?”

“Why do you look like you're enjoying this?”

“I'm not!” Izaya scoffed, but even through the darkness Shizuo could see him smiling.

Shinra mumbled something in his sleep and started shuffling around. Shizuo and Izaya watched him, holding their breath, both of them quietly hoping he wouldn't wake up. Shinra's loud voice was the last thing they needed right now. They were in luck, instead of waking, he rolled onto his side and threw an arm around Kyohei, snuggling into his back and whispering something along the lines of _Celty, I love you._

Izaya sniggered, then quickly clambered to the entrance of the tent, and slipped through the opening. A second later his head reappeared. 

“Are you coming, Shizu-chan?” 

He had no choice, he knew that, as much as he liked to tell everybody he loathed every inch of Orihara Izaya, he wouldn't like the weight of Izaya's murder on his conscience for the rest of his life. Besides, he had a nasty feeling that Izaya would pester him until he followed anyway, and the quicker they were out of the tent the less of a chance there was of Shinra waking. 

“If this is some sort of prank...”

“It's not! I promise.”

There had never been a moment in the time that Shizuo had known Izaya that he thought Izaya was telling the truth, and this particular moment was no different. But if it was a prank, it would be better if Shizuo were the only victim; he did not want to have to listen to Shinra's shrill screeching for a second time that evening. Shizuo rubbed his eyes and groaned quietly, why was it always him being pulled into Izaya's games? Why couldn't Izaya have perched himself at the end of Kyohei's sleeping bag? With a heavy sigh and a scowl thrown in Izaya's direction, Shizuo climbed out of his sleeping bag as quietly as he could and pulled on his shoes before stepping out of the tent. 

The sky was still an inky black and showed no signs of light on the horizon. Shizuo wasn't used to this pressing, eerie silence, at home, even in the dead of night, cars would pass by his window, and more often than not there would be gangs of people walking the streets until the early hours. The quietness felt suffocating, and Shizuo immediately felt that something wasn't quite right. That maybe, just maybe, they weren't alone. 

“So...”

“Over there,” Izaya whispered and pointed towards a large thicket of bushes. “I saw something looking at me.”

“Have you got a torch?” 

Izaya thrust the torch into Shizuo's hands and stood behind the blond, indicating that he expected Shizuo to be the one to lead the way. Or rather, he was hoping. It suddenly made sense to Shizuo, why Izaya had immediately gone to Shizuo's side when he had felt unsafe. 

“You plan to use me as a shield, don't you?” Shizuo sighed. 

“More like a muscle,” Izaya answered truthfully, offering Shizuo a toothy smile, as though that would make up for his shitty intentions. 

A shit eating grin like that would usually send Shizuo into a fit of rage, but usually Izaya didn't make such a valid point; Shizuo certainly was the best option to take out whatever it may be lurking in the bushes, Shizuo couldn't deny that. However, it was still Izaya, and he had still woken Shizuo up in the middle of the night, so Shizuo's irritation was valid, right? Shizuo took a rough hold of Izaya's sleeve and dragged him at a quick pace towards the bushes, much to the raven's chagrin. 

“Shizu-chan! Slow down! Let got of me! Shizuo!” Izaya hissed, attempting to pull himself free of the vice like grip Shizuo had on him, but to no avail. 

The closer they got to the thicket, the larger the bushes seemed to grow, and the less brave Shizuo felt. Suddenly he came to a halt, and if it wasn't for his hold on Izaya's shirt, the raven would have surely fallen flat on his face at the abruptness of Shizuo's movements. 

“What?!” Izaya demanded, a snap in his voice, his eyes darting from Shizuo and back to the bushes. “What is it?”

There was a rustling, instinctively Izaya squeezed his eyes shut as his heart jumped up into his throat, he had no chance of running so long as Shizuo had a hold of him. So what were they going to do? Was Shizuo going to force him to fight whatever was about to jump out from the shadows? 

“It's just a fox, idiot,” Shizuo grumbled. Izaya's eyes flew open just in time to catch the flame-like tail disappear into the blackness of the trees for himself, Shizuo shining the torch beam after it. “Uh...” 

Izaya breathed a sigh of relief, and realised only a second later that at some point during his frantic thoughts he had taken hold of Shizuo's arm, and was still clutching it close to his chest. They released each other at the same time and took a couple of steps away from one another. 

“Let's go back... doesn't seem to be any murderers out here.” Shizuo mumbled, leading the way, the sound of his feet lightly shuffling through the dewy grass, he glanced over his shoulder to see Izaya was stood stock still. 

“Flea, c'mon...”

Izaya silently followed, his head bowed low.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! 
> 
> slightly rushed I'm afraid, so apologies for any mistakes, I just wanted to get this posted before I went to sleep because I'll be away from a computer until Monday!


	3. Chapter 3

For the duration of her shift, Celty's mind ticked over the information overload that Shinra had given her over the last couple of hours. The way Shinra spoke so fondly of his days spent attached to the hips of the two boys that tore apart the city on a regular basis, made it sound as though he had enjoyed every second of the chaos that followed Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya around like a black cloud. That, in some twisted way, he missed it. If Celty had a mouth she would have sighed at her boyfriends lack of rational thinking. Instead her shoulders slumped as though she was carrying the weight of the world on them, and she pulled to the side of the road to take a break from riding. 

Even with Shinra's stories, it was hard to imagine a time where Izaya didn't want to kill Shizuo, and where Shizuo didn't break whatever was in his hands at the mere mention of Izaya's name. 

Celty had met Shizuo and Izaya separately, and years apart, during their school years. The headless rider remembered, with precision, the day Shinra had brought Izaya around to the apartment for a study session one afternoon during middle school. 

The raven haired boy had an air of arrogance about him, his carmine eyes boring into Celty as though he could read her mind, as though he knew exactly what she was despite having never met her previously. He had kept his eyes locked on Celty from the moment he entered the room, but it hadn't felt as though he meant it in an intimidating way, but rather he was finding something he had been looking for, for a very long time, or seeing something that stirred something within him, and Celty could almost hear the cogs whirring in his brain as he tried to understand what exactly it was that was stood before him. As though everything he had believed up until this moment was being disproved by this one being. 

It was at this moment Celty knew he was unlike the rest of the children, and it was no shock to her that Shinra had chosen him, it was as though they had been pulled together by some twisted fate. Shinra was more than a little strange, he always had been, Celty would openly admit that, and so it was no wonder that the boy would attract the other unusual children. 

Only unlike Shinra, there was something about Izaya's general vibe that had put Celty on edge immediately, she couldn't put her finger on what exactly troubled her about the young boy, but she couldn't help but keep an eye on them as they studied quietly in Shinra's room. This boy was going to be nothing but trouble, she was certain. 

Meeting Shizuo had been a little different, but it wasn't as though the feeling she felt was too dissimilar from the one she had gotten when she had met Izaya. Shizuo had been a little older than Izaya, it was Shinra's first day of high school. Shinra had told Celty excitedly several times that he would be attending the same high school as Izaya and a friend he'd had way back in elementary school; Heiwajima Shizuo. Celty remembered the name, and she'd heard some stories from Shinra, but she had always put the far-fetched tales down the kids wild imagination. 

It was a warm morning, a sign that spring had finally arrived in the city, Shinra had asked Celty to walk him to meet Shizuo and considering the weather was so pleasant Celty had agreed. The boy with brightly dyed blond hair was leaning against the wall of a convenience store, from a distance he looked like a regular high school boy, and for a moment Celty wondered why Shinra had taken an interest in Shizuo. 

But the moment Shizuo turned to greet Shinra and Celty, his eyes locked onto the bike helmet where Celty's eyes would be if she had any. He held their gaze, and just like Izaya, Shizuo wore an expression that told her he was finally looking at something that he had been searching for, something that although completely unexplainable to him, he was ready to accept it without question. Only Shizuo was warmer than Izaya, his smile was kinder, and Celty felt happy to wave them both off as they headed off down the street to high school. 

That feeling, though... 

As she stroked a hand down the side of her motorcycle, it neighing quietly in approval of her gentle touch, thinking on the strange sense that she had found when meeting both of Shinra's friends, she recalled something Shinra had once said to her. At the time, Celty had dismissed it, because to her, Shinra's words were gibberish, and she had put it down to the younger boys wishful thinking. 

But what if he had been right? 

-x-

“They're more alike than everybody thinks.”

[Izaya is not a nice guy, Shinra.]

Shinra winced and a small hiss escaped his lips as he worked on stitching up a particular deep wound on his thigh. This wasn't an unusual feat these days, Shinra would often come home covered in blood, some days it would be Izaya's or Shizuo's, some days it would be his own. Though he didn't seem to mind, he carried on spending time with his friends and wore a smile that would contradict anybody that claimed he secretly resented them.

“I don't mind, it helps me with my medicine practice!” Shinra said this time and time again, and Celty didn't think for a moment that he was lying to cover up for his friends misdeeds.

[Need any help?]

Shinra's latest wound was a little worse than the rest, and frankly Celty was too afraid to ask what had happened to cause such a deep gash. Shinra shook his head, a bead of sweat appearing on his forehead as he clenched his jaw together. 

“It's fine, just a little sore,” he insisted. 

Shinra had returned home earlier than anticipated that evening, he had been attending a festival with his friends and Celty hadn't expected him back for at least a few more hours. So when there was the sound of jingling keys and a slight commotion at the door as Shinra fell over the threshold with a loud smack, clutching at his jeans that were soaked in his own blood, the black rider had panicked.

After a lot of heavy breathing, cringing and whimpers, Shinra finally finished the stitches on his leg and with a sigh of relief, the brunet leaned back in his chair to admire his handiwork.

“Hm, hopefully it won't scar too bad...” 

[Do I even dare ask what happened this time?] 

“Oh Celty, you make it sound like this sort of thing happens everyday!” Shinra laughed, picking up a cloth to clean around his wound and wipe away the blood, taking extra care not to aggravate his already throbbing wound.

[Whenever Izaya's around you seem to come home with more bruises than somebody who has been in a boxing match.]

Shinra merely laughed, clearly this was one argument he was tired of having, but didn't have the heart stand up to Celty over it. They were quiet for a while, Celty helped Shinra discard of the bloody cloths and tidy away his medical kit, stealing glances at him whenever he wasn't looking her way to see if he let his façade slip when he thought nobody was watching. But he remained smiling, humming a tune to himself that Celty didn't recognise. 

[Doesn't it annoy you? That this happens all the time, I mean.]

“Nope, they're my friends, Celty.” Shinra said as he hobbled towards the kitchen, “it would be bad of me to leave them now, after all it's my fault they're this way.”

“Just because you introduced them to one another, it doesn't make you responsible for this! How were you to know they would hate each other?]

“Ah, I had a feeling... Izaya isn't exactly the easiest person for anybody to get along with, especially for somebody with a short fuse, somebody like Shizuo. I had hoped they would see past all this and make it work, for me. But I was stupid to think that,” Shinra was still smiling as he spoke, but Celty couldn't understand what there was to smile about. She reached into the cupboard for a glass off the top shelf to save Shinra stretching, “ah my Celty, you're so kind and helpful! Even when you're angry at me!”

[It's not you I'm angry at.]

Shinra filled his glass with water and hopped up on the counter, taking care to not spill as his hands shook from the shock of everything that had happened that evening. 

“You see, they really are alike, Shizuo and Izaya. They would never admit that, of course, they would probably rather die than admit they had anything in common with each other. This is what I think, this is what I think I've learnt about them, so hear me out. Shizuo feels isolated, he feels like his body has driven a wedge between himself and the rest of the world, thinking that nobody will ever be able to be close to him without getting hurt. Or worse. So he takes a step back, because he doesn't want to watch everybody around him leave out of fear. Makes sense, right? Well, I think that Izaya's no different. All his life he has craved attention and appreciation, and because he never received either he decided to drive that very same wedge between himself and humanity. He says he loves humans as a whole, but that's just because he doesn't want to be hurt by them anymore, he's scared of feeling that pain again, so he too takes a step back, and doesn't let anybody close. Both of them just want to feel love, to be loved, but they feel they won't get that for one reason or another, so instead of trying, they become something else. They become monsters, Celty. Monsters who don't love, and monsters that deny affection, because of the fear of pain. That's what they are, that's what I think they are.” Shinra finished his speech with another gulp of water, he placed the empty glass to the side and put the tip of his index finger to his chin, “though, I think, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Because that's just who they are. You know?”

[Did you hit your head? Did something land on you?]

“My heads fine!” Shinra pouted, pushing Celty's PDA away with one swipe of his hand. “I just opened up to you!”

[Okay, okay! Sorry. I believe you. Really! So... what happened this time?]

A slow smile spread over Shinra's lips, “well...” 

-x-

“I'm going to play hook a duck!” Shinra exclaimed excitedly, there was a slight skip in his step as he lead Kyohei and Shizuo towards the festival lights and the bustling crowds, the sounds of summer in their ears as they walked along the path that ran alongside the river. “And then I'm going to -”

Shizuo tuned Shinra out a long time ago, his voice becoming a distant buzz that felt like an annoying bee that just wouldn't give up. 

“Ah, there he is!” Shinra cried happily, pointing at the entrance gate where Izaya stood, skimming through his phone.

“Shinra, you never said...” Kyohei began, a crease appearing in his brow as he shot a worried glance to the blond beside him, whose hands had curled into fists, but his words were cut short.

“Oh, Shizu-chan. Shinra never said you would be joining us. Oi, shouldn't they keep animals like you on a lead here?” Izaya ducked just in time to miss a punch that was aimed for the side of his head, Izaya gasped in feigned disgust, “Shizu-chan! This is a family festival!”

“Come on guys! This is going to be a fun night! Let's just try to get along, okay?” Shinra stood between Shizuo and Izaya, a hand on either of their chests, though he knew if Shizuo wanted to get to Izaya he would have no problems pushing Shinra to the side, throwing himself in the middle seemed to act as a neutraliser. 

“Fine,” Shizuo grumbled, dropping his fists and burying them in his jeans pockets, taking a step back and looking away from Izaya. “I'll behave if he does.”

“Good boy!” Izaya used a tone many would use to praise a well behaved dog, and reached out to pat Shizuo's head, but his arm was caught by Shinra's hand. 

“Izaya...” Shinra frowned, his eyes narrowed as he stared at Izaya like a disappointed parent. 

“Yes, okay, sorry.” 

Shinra and Kyohei walked between Izaya and Shizuo, making sure the space between them was kept at a fair few feet at all times, and so limited the chance of Izaya making one too many snide remarks. They visited stalls, took part in games, and Shinra ate as many snacks as his stomach would allow him, though after a while he began complaining he had stomach cramps and so the four looked for a free bench where they could all sit for a while. 

“The fireworks will be starting soon, try and hold out until then,” Kyohei said to Shinra as he offered his friend a bottle of water. 

“I'll be okay...”

“That's what you get for stuffing your face like a child,” Izaya sighed, sometimes he felt as though he was indeed a babysitter, of the worlds most annoying child. “Don't you have any self control?”

Shizuo snorted, and three pairs of eyes turned to stare. 

“Something to say, Shizu-chan?”

“Well, you're one to talk.”

“Meaning?” Izaya raised an eyebrow. 

“Could you go a day without insulting somebody? Or making somebody feel like shit? No, could you even go an hour? Shit, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.” 

Izaya's hand flicked to his pocket, but before he could pull out his weapon Kyohei stood before him and shook his head slowly. 

“You said it yourself, this is a family festival. Let's stay calm, okay?” 

“Right you are, Dotachin.” Izaya removed his hand from his pocket and bared his palms in a sign of surrender, “I'm going to go for a look around. I'll meet up with you lot later.” Izaya disappeared into the crowd. 

Shinra would have probably objected to Izaya walking off on his own, but their glasses clad friend was instead hunched over on the bench, complaining loudly.

“Tch, stop being so dramatic,” Shizuo perched himself on the edge of the bench next to Shinra's head and leaned his arm around to rub his back comfortingly. 

“Drink up!” Kyohei encouraged, “just fifteen minutes until the firework display. You wanted to see them, right?”

Shinra nodded, swigging at his water, his eyes brightening a little at the thought of watching the fireworks with his friends for the first time. It had become apparent to the rest of them that Shinra appeared to be desperate to make memories as a group, Kyohei and Shizuo had talked about it once or twice whenever Shinra had come up with another great idea for them, but lately sharing a pointed look was all they needed to let each other know they were thinking the same thing. It was just a shame for him Shinra had picked quite possibly the least compatible people to become friends with. 

“The fireworks are about to start! Where is Izaya?” Shinra asked, checking his watch, a troubled expression darkening his features. “Is he coming back?”

“Hopefully not,” Shizuo muttered. 

“I can go look for him,” Kyohei offered, distracting Shinra from retorting to Shizuo's remark. 

The bustling crowds were gathering at the foot of the hill now, it would be difficult to spot the short raven in the mass, Shizuo didn't want to be the one to break the news to Shinra so instead he got to his feet and stretched. 

“We could just watch them without him.”

“I wanted it to be all of us,” Shinra pulled a face, he looked like a spoilt child that wasn't used to hearing the word no. 

“Shizuo's probably right, maybe if we make our way down their we'll bump into him,” Kyohei said, offering a hand out to Shinra to help him up off the bench, the brunet kept one hand over his stomach but he didn't seem to be as concerned over his bad stomach any more. 

“Okay...”

They slowly made their way into the crowd, it was hard to stay together and before Shizuo knew it he was walking amongst strangers, but he could see Kyohei's head so he at least knew which direction to walk in. Honestly, it was nice to have an excuse to be away from Shinra's whining for a moment or two, Shizuo was beginning to lose his patience. 

Then, out of the corner of his eye, Shizuo spotted Izaya lingering on the edge of the crowd, his hands deep inside his pockets, and his hood up, he looked like somebody that didn't want to be seen. For a moment Shizuo hesitated, coming to a halt he felt a couple of people bump into him, but ignored their complaints and began pushing through the crowd towards Izaya. 

_Why am I doing this?_

“Oi, flea! Izaya!” Shizuo called out over the throng but his words appeared to fall on deaf ears, or rather Izaya was just ignoring him. Izaya remained staring straight ahead, a stony expression on his face.

Shizuo stopped again; an uncomfortable feeling bubbling in the pit of his gut, as though he had just swallowed a cloud of unease right out of the air. To see Izaya looking so emotionless was unnerving, there was never a time where the carmine eyes weren't twinkling with curiosity, or where the smirk that Shizuo hated so much wasn't spreading across his face with glee at something most people would find disgusting.

Adopting a more casual stance, Shizuo took a few small, slow steps in Izaya's direction, feeling his irritation ebbing away the closer he got and the paler Izaya seemed. The bags under his eyes more pronounced than ever; did this guy ever sleep? 

“Hey... Izaya,” Shizuo called out softly, speaking Izaya's name this way felt wrong and left a bitter taste on the tip of his tongue. Izaya's head turned slightly so he could see Shizuo approaching, the raven offered no smile. “Shinra's looking for you.”

“Ah? Is he worried?” Izaya laughed once, sounding more bitter than somebody that had just found something amusing. 

“I think he just wanted to see the fireworks with you.”

“Why?”

“Because...” Shizuo frowned, wasn't it obvious? It was to Kyohei and Shizuo, had Izaya not figured it out? “You're his friend, aren't you? He wants us to do stuff together.”

“Friend?” Izaya spat the word, “wasn't it you who said I had no friends?”

Shizuo shifted on his feet uncomfortably, feeling incredibly awkward suddenly. Izaya had never brought up something Shizuo had said like this before, had Shizuo hit a nerve this time? It wasn't like Izaya to go hurrying off in a bad mood, it was even more peculiar that he had taken Shizuo's words without attempting to bite back. Sure, Kyohei had warned him off, but Izaya wasn't the sort of guy who took orders. 

The fireworks began. The air filled with crackling and banging, and the sound of the people of the crowds oohing in awe. Shizuo felt a niggling guilt in his chest when he thought of Shinra and Kyohei – Shinra would be upset, he had dragged them all here for a reason after all.

“Well you have three, don't you?” Shizuo sighed, gently kicking at the ground yet still causing the dirt to crumble and create small holes beneath him.

Izaya frowned. Shizuo frowned too, wishing he had better control over his tongue. 

“Oh?” Izaya slowly began to smile, a giggle rising to his lips, “so Shizu-chan considers me a friend, huh? Well, you certainly do go above and beyond, this is why I hate you. Can't you just be a little easy to understand?” 

Shizuo laughed quietly, staring at the sky, “nah. I gotta keep this up, how else would I keep my favourite worst enemy interested?” 

Feeling the heat rush to his cheeks, Shizuo stiffened as he waited for the inevitable onslaught of teasing from Izaya, his sharp tongue would surely have a field day after Shizuo had said something so gross. But Izaya was quiet. Shizuo felt his chest constrict painfully as the seconds crept by, anxiously waiting for some sort of response from the raven. 

But it never came. 

Sheepishly Shizuo wrung his fingers around one another and bowing his head to use his hair as a curtain he took a peek at Izaya from the corner of his eye. Izaya was gazing up at the fireworks, his pale face illuminating with a burst of colour with every firework that exploded above them, his eyes shimmering like a rainbow. Shizuo felt braver now, and smiled warmly, reaching out he pinched Izaya's hoodie near the elbow and tugged gently. Izaya's eyes finally met with Shizuo's. 

“Uh, we should go find Shinra and Kyohei. They're probably wondering where both of us are.” 

Izaya blinked a couple of times before giving a single nod. Shizuo lead the way back through the mass of people, Izaya remaining hot on heels, but also utterly silent. Finally, Shizuo spotted Kyohei and Shinra standing near an ice cream stand that had long since closed, the shutters rusting from being left for so long. 

“There you are!” Shinra beamed as Shizuo and Izaya emerged from the crowd. 

“Sorry, Shizu-chan was feeling soppy.” Izaya smirked. 

“Huh?” Shinra's eyes flitted between the two of them, but neither of them elaborated, despite how many times Shinra pressed them. 

-x-

[That doesn't explain how you got that cut!]

“I did that walking home. Izaya tried to tease Shizuo about something, and Shizuo tried to push him into a ditch but he got me instead. I think it was barbed wire that cut me. It could have been a lot worse, I'm quite lucky!”

[That's not lucky, Shinra!]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> And to everybody that has commented, thank you so much! Every single one means so much to me!


	4. Chapter 4

When Celty finally arrived home from her shift the sun had already bid farewell to the city, and the apartment had been long cast into darkness. She found Shinra sleeping soundly on the sofa and carefully wiggled herself next to him, trying her best not to wake him up. 

Shinra's eyes flickered slowly open and he blinked hazily a couple of times before smiling at her. 

“Welcome home.”

[Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.]

“It's fine, Celty.” Shinra yawned. “Was work okay? Did you have hard jobs?”

[It was fine. I was just thinking about the time you went to the summer festival with Shizuo and Izaya.]

“Oh... oh yeah, I remember. That was a strange evening. They were weird after that for a long time.”

[Weird in what way?]

“Well there was this other time... hmm... hang on, let me wake up a bit...” 

-x-

“Groups of three please.”

The worst words to hear when you were a part of a friendship group that consisted of four people, no more and no less. There weren't any other people in the class that any of the four friends got on with enough to allow the leftover friend to join their group. Izaya probably would have been able to wriggle into a group of girls that often shot him hopeful glances across the classroom, wearing shy smiles and batting their eyelashes, but Izaya wasn't the type of guy to go down without a fight. 

“Why can't Kyohei join the group at the front? I've seen you speaking with them about video games.” Izaya said after Shinra had told him, without a trace of an apology in his tone, that he would be working in another group, as he had chosen Shizuo and Kyohei. 

“Sorry Izaya,” Shinra shrugged. 

“This is unfair, you didn't even...” Izaya's objection trailed off and he sighed, as though he was determined to hold his own tongue, or at least hide that he was bothered that Shinra was so quick to dismiss him, “well, it can't be helped.” 

“That's right.” 

Shizuo watched as Izaya gathered his books off his desk and made his way towards the group of giggling girls. It wouldn't be hard for him to fit right in with them, just throwing in his most choice smile would have them melting at his feet, everybody knew that, but Shizuo could tell Izaya was resentful over the turn out. 

Despite how much Shizuo tried to keep his mind off of Izaya, the blond couldn't help his wandering mind during their long classes that were so boring he could feel himself drifting to sleep whenever the strongest sun beams shone across his back and warmed him considerably, as though he was slipping beneath the sheets of his bed. Shizuo had caught himself analysing Izaya more than he'd care to admit, and so, in that time, the blond had come to learn a fair few things about said raven. 

One thing he learned, that was more relevant now than ever, was that Izaya was far too proud to admit he cared about Shinra. Izaya's displeasure at Shinra's complete lack of affection towards him stuck out like a sore thumb now that Shizuo had learned the truth, but Izaya would never let on about his pain whenever Shinra picked his other friends over Izaya. 

In fact, Shizuo wondered if Izaya even understood his annoyance himself. From what Shinra had told Shizuo and Kyohei in the past, Izaya had been somewhat of a loner before Shinra came along and forced his friendship upon the unsuspecting raven. Perhaps it wasn't a case of pride at all, what if it was just a simple case of not understanding exactly _how_ to be a friend? Or what behaviour is acceptable in a friendship? 

Shizuo cringed at the memory of himself pointing out Izaya's lack of friends during the festival over the summer. What if, after all this time, Shizuo had simply misunderstood Izaya? He felt a twinge of guilt; if they kept pushing Izaya like this, how long would it take for him to crack? 

“Uh, I'll work with the flea.” 

“What?” Kyohei and Shinra spoke in the same time, both with a tone of surprise. 

“Yeah...” Shizuo rose to his feet, and addressed the teacher that had looked up expectantly from her desk when she saw one of her students get to their feet. “There's four of us, so would it be okay if Izaya and I worked as a pair, please?”

Shizuo could feel the incredulous gazes from everybody in the room on him, mouths hung open as everybody was shocked into silence. Heiwajima Shizuo wanted to work with Orihara Izaya. Were they hearing correctly? Wasn't it just last week that he had ripped down a basket ball hoop and tried to throw it at Izaya's head during their gym class?

“Of course,” the teacher said, wearing a warm expression on her face that clearly expressed her relief. Maybe after all this time, Shizuo and Izaya were going to be on good terms! 

Izaya was suddenly at Shizuo's side, not meeting the blond's eyes as he took a seat at the desk beside Shizuo's, the corners of his lips twitching into a smirk as he tried his best to hold a burst of laughter in his chest. Soon everybody settled back into chatter between their own groups, the tense atmosphere dissolving fast when the students realised there wasn't going to be a death match in the classroom. 

“Well, this is unusual.” Izaya addressed the awkwardness between them with a calm attitude, as though he wasn't feeling uncomfortable at all. “This has to be the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me.”

“Uh, don't make this weird, Izaya.” Shizuo huffed, keeping his voice low so not to attract the attention of Kyohei and Shinra, just three desks away. 

Of course it was unusual, Shizuo knew that, damn it the whole class knew it. But calling it out for what it was made Shizuo feel ten times more embarrassed about it, and only caused the blond to wish he had never bothered in the first place. Only it was the memory of Izaya's expressionless face flashing before his minds eye, that served as a comforting reminder for Shizuo that this was good, it was a nice gesture, and Izaya probably, secretly, was grateful. So why should he give a damn about what everybody else thought? If this was what it would take to get Izaya to calm down, then so be it. Shizuo was up for the challenge. 

“You know, I really hate group projects.”

“Really? I thought you'd enjoy getting to work with... uh, humans.” Shizuo felt the colour rise in his cheeks as the words left his mouth, he felt uncomfortable referring to his class mates as _humans_ , but he was sure that he had read somewhere appealing to somebody's interests was a sure fire way to befriend them. 

Izaya laughed heartily, “Shizu-chan, please don't try to understand me. It's disgusting.” 

Shizuo narrowed his eyes but held his tongue. 

“Is that what this is? A stunt to figure me out?” 

“I already have you figured out, flea,” Shizuo snorted, roughly pulling Izaya's textbook open and shoving it into his gut, winding the raven. “Do your work.”

“Ah... ha... r-really?” Izaya coughed and spluttered as he tried to catch his breath, “you really think your single-celled brain has me figured out, huh?”

Shizuo didn't look up from his own text book, he was determined to keep things civil. Since the festival things had been different between them, Izaya had been less annoying than usual and the school had seen a lot less fights that had results in parts of the building walls being blown away. Shizuo wanted to keep things that way, in fact, he wanted to never lose his temper again. There had been an incident the previous week, and a couple the week before that, but nothing as major as some of the things that had taken place over the last couple of years. 

“So share some of your knowledge, Shizu-chan! Please! I'm dying to know what it is you think you know about me!” There was a bitter edge to Izaya's words now, as though he found the idea of Shizuo using his brain disgusting, or rather the idea of Shizuo using his brain to attempt to unmask the real Izaya disgusting. 

“Fine. I know that you were upset that Shinra cut you out of the group today, that's why I asked to work in a pair with you.” 

There was a beat of silence, and an unreadable expression fell onto the boys face. Shizuo braced himself for Izaya to pull his knife out of his pocket, or for a slew of insults to be hurled his way. 

“Upset?” Izaya repeated, shaking his head, “nope.”

“ _Right_ ,” Shizuo sighed, “come on, let's just get this over and done with.”

“No, let's talk more.”

“Izaya, I don't want to do this right now,” Shizuo muttered through his gritted teeth; it was growing increasingly difficult to not lose his temper with Izaya, who seemed determined to press all of Shizuo's buttons in the fifty minutes they had to work together. 

Luckily, Izaya fell silent. He rested his chin in his hand and turned his gaze to the window, and his text book lay before him, unread and forgotten. 

Occasionally Shizuo would hear Izaya mutter words that sounded like _revolting_ and _monster_ , but he chose to ignore these clear attempts at encouraging a rise out of Shizuo. But after twenty minutes of Izaya lazily staring out the window, and his incessant tapping at the desk with his fingers in a rhythmic fashion, Shizuo was at his wits end. 

“What is it you hate so much about me wanting to help you?” Shizuo hissed, slamming his book shut a little too hard and winning their desks a few irritated glares from their surprised classmates. 

Izaya slowly tilted his head to the side a little and his lips turned thin as they stretched into a smirk. 

“Why is it that you want to help me after all, Shizu-chan? This is weird, right?” 

“I just...”

“Is it because your pea-sized monster brain thinks we are actually friends, or something like that?” 

“Actually it's because you're a sad, lonely little fucker that's too proud to admit he wishes his friends paid him more attention! Maybe if you weren't such a bastard all the time, people would like you more! I mean, you say you love humans but you treat us all like shit, so it's no wonder everybody hates you and tries to avoid you! You're pathetic, Izaya. I thought maybe if I was nice to you for a change, that you'd be nice back, or at least appreciate the gesture. But you're still just a maggot, clearly I was stupid for expecting anything better of you!”

Izaya scowled, “clearly!”

Roughly grabbing his school bag, Izaya threw his text books inside before slinging the strap over his shoulder and storming out the classroom, slamming the door shut behind him as he left. The students turned to stare at Shizuo.

“Where has Orihara gone?” The teacher asked. 

“Uh... nurses room...” Shizuo mumbled, hanging his head low to hide his face from everybody, his heart hammering in his chest as the sinking feeling in his gut ached after his outburst. 

_I shouldn't have said those things..._

Shizuo scolded himself for feeling bad, it wasn't as though Izaya acted like he had a heart anyway, there was no way he could be upset by something Shizuo said to him, right? Besides, the flea had been provoking him, it was only natural that Shizuo snapped back. 

Only, this was different than what usually happened. Izaya was used to having things thrown at him, to ducking out of the way just in time to miss one of Shizuo's fists, he wasn't however, used to having the facts about himself laid out and exposing his terrible traits so plainly, forcing him to face the ugly truth. 

The overwhelming guilt was what forced Shizuo out of his chair, and allowed his feet to carry him to the classroom door without a word to where he was going to anybody. Though, it didn't take a genius to figure it out. There was a scraping noise of chairs against the floor as the class ran to the window, expecting to see the big fight they had been waiting for since returning to school from summer break. However, today they would be left disappointed because Shizuo had no intention in fighting Izaya. 

It didn't take long for Shizuo to sniff Izaya out, the raven had taken into hiding in an empty club room the four of them sometimes visited during rainy days or when it was too cold to go outside during lunch. Izaya had his head buried in his arms on the desk, his bag had been discarded by the door, giving the impression he had thrown it in anger. 

Shizuo was at a loss for words, he was sure his past self would have lost his temper already and thrown Izaya out the window for showing anything that resembled human emotion, the guy had no right pretending to be anything other than a flea. Closing the door quietly behind him, Shizuo dropped his bag next to Izaya's and took the seat across the table from the raven, who showed no acknowledgement of Shizuo's presence. 

“I'm not gonna apologise to you,” Shizuo mumbled, “you were being a dick to me, too.” 

Izaya muttered incoherently.

“What is this, Izaya? Seriously? Do you really wanna hate me forever? Do you really wanna spend the rest of our lives going at each others throats? Aren't you tired of it all?” 

Shizuo's questions were met with silence. 

“You know, all I've ever wanted is to live a peaceful life. You've made things so hard for me these last couple of years and I've never understood why. Why me? Out of all these people here, _why me_?” 

“You hated me first,” Izaya lifted his head so that his eyes were visible, he regarded Shizuo with a scornful glare, but his tone was soft, “and you aren't... easy for me either. I can't understand you. I can't predict anything you're going to do.”

“So?” 

“It pisses me off.” They stared at one another for a moment before Izaya's eyes disappeared behind his arms once again.

Shizuo had no answer for that, he couldn't help being himself, and if Izaya was going to be a stubborn bastard and not even going to at least try and put a stopper in all of this, then they were never getting past this silly feud. Life would be so much easier if Izaya didn't hate him, and Shizuo couldn't help but wish they were at least able to hold a conversation that wouldn't result in a fight or verbal abuse. Hating Izaya was exhausting, and with the end of their final year of high school drawing ever closer, Shizuo just wanted to be able to end things amicably. Because outside school, with no rules or restrictions, who was to say where Izaya would end up, what he would become. 

Going against every instinct inside of himself, Shizuo reached across the table and patted the top of Izaya's head to win back his attention. 

“Yes, Shizu-chan?”

“Let's be friends.” 

“What?”

“Let's be friends. Okay? No more fighting, no more calling each other names, no more pissing each other off on purpose. I don't want to spend my last few months in high school angry every time I see your face. So please, let's just be friends.” Shizuo offered his hand to Izaya. The raven stared at it unblinkingly, and for a moment Shizuo was afraid Izaya was going to laugh in his face. 

But then he felt Izaya's fingers slide into his own, and there was a single shake, before Izaya pulled his hand away again. 

“Okay then, friends.” 

Shizuo lingered for a while, hoping to at least get some conversation out of Izaya. He had so many questions that had been simmering embers for the longest time, but now they were like a raging fire that he could hardly contain, and it took of his might to stand up to leave instead of demanding to know why. 

“Hey, Shizu-chan.” Izaya called as Shizuo stood in the threshold of the club room, ready to leave. 

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” 

Shizuo raised his eyebrows, “that sounded painful.”

“It was.” 

Shizuo chuckled and left without another word, feeling a bubble of happiness rising within him at Izaya's gratitude. Was that the first time Izaya had ever genuinely thanked somebody? Shizuo wouldn't have been surprised if his assumptions were true. 

-x-

“To be frank, I don't really know what happened, at the festival or when they disappeared from class, they never told us, but we could see the difference. We could _feel_ the difference, and I don't just mean Kyohei and I, the entire class could! Things were nicer for a while after that, classes were quiet and most days went by without too much of an incident. It was as though their hatred for each other migrated! Only, of course we were soon to learn it had merely been a vacation, the peace was fleeting for us all. I remember actually getting a little bored, so I was glad when things went back to normal,” Shinra laughed quietly, his eyes shining with memories and Celty wondered what other stories were stored away in his mind, just waiting to be shared.

[Don't tell me it was your fault they fell out again? Did you do something?]

“Celty! Don't you have any faith in me?” Shinra yelped, reaching out in desperation to throw himself on top of Celty. 

[Of course I do, it just seems like something you might do.]

Shinra giggled, nestling his face into his girlfriends shoulder as she tenderly ran her fingers up and down his back in a comforting rhythm.

“No, I didn't have to do anything. I don't understand it myself. They were fine, but then suddenly one day, they weren't any more. And things have been like this ever since. They didn't even ease back into it, there was just this full blown hatred between them immediately. Worse than ever before. I wonder what happened,” Shinra frowned, turning his head to stare into the smoke that billowed from the headless riders neck, the pool in his stomach warming fondly at the sight of her, he couldn't imagine anything stronger than his love for Celty. 

Except, of course, their hatred. 

His lips hooked in a crooked smile as an intruding thought he hadn't been able to shake for years pulled up into his train of thought, a small laugh falling from his lips as he finally voiced the theory he had secretly been nursing for years, but had never had the nerve to say out loud out of fear of losing his limbs, or worse, “maybe... maybe it was a lovers spat.”

[Don't be gross.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody for reading! I'm free from lectures until Friday this week, so once I get my work out of the way I plan to get a few more updates out!


	5. Chapter 5

The idea of Izaya and Shizuo being something more than simply rivals had never struck Shinra as such a ridiculous notion; when two people felt an emotion so strongly towards one another that they were constantly drawn together like magnets, wasn't that a form of love in itself? Ever since the day that Shinra had brought them together in hopes of them forming a friendship, they hadn't been able to keep away from one another, of course it had never been for the right reasons, but was what they had really so wrong? 

What would Shizuo be without Izaya? What would Izaya be without Shizuo? It was difficult to imagine. Shizuo's name rolled right off the tongue, like second nature, almost every time Izaya's was spoken, and to have a conversation with Izaya that didn't somehow relate back to Shizuo felt almost unnatural. 

In Shinra's eyes, it was love, pure and simple, raw and unstable, disguised in the most ugly form of hatred, like some sick and twisted joke the universe was playing on them all. Perhaps, much like the two boys in question, their love was so wild there was simply no taming it. 

Shinra had sat on this theory for a very long time, watching from a distance and coming to his own conclusions without sharing them with anybody, not even Celty. Because the young doctor had felt that he was the only one who knew both Shizuo and Izaya fully, and was able to stand in an unbiased corner, to see everything from both points of view, and from his own, without warping their relationship into something it wasn't to fit his own personal beliefs or needs. Shinra had nothing to gain and nothing to lose, regardless of their hatred or their love, as long as he kept all of these thoughts to himself of course.

“It's sad.”

[What is?] Celty had refused to even humour Shinra's latest suggestion, but that hadn't stopped her boyfriend going off on a tangent. It was evident that he had been bursting to share his suspicions for a long time, and it was impossible to get him to talk about anything else. 

“Well regardless of what he feels, Izaya is going to ignore all those feelings,” Shinra was skimming the tip of his finger around the rim of his hot cup of tea, his expression cloudy. 

[He's cold, but I'm sure he wouldn't deny himself happiness.]

“Oh he would. Izaya will do anything to avoid feeling real pain, he won't go charging into something that will undoubtedly be hard for him.”

Celty shrugged her shoulders, she understood that Shinra was probably right about Izaya, but she failed to see what that had to do with anything. 

“I think being rejected would be the most painful thing in the world for him, all his life he's been alone, without a real friend or a supportive family. Now at least he has Shizuo, even if they are enemies, Shizuo is his only constant. I don't think he'd want to risk losing the last person in his life over a confession of love.” 

[You're still on that?]

Shinra took Celty's hand in his own and gave it a gentle squeeze. He was lucky, it had always been so straight forward for him. Shinra had known for years the only person for him was Celty, the only person he could ever love was her, and even if he had to spend his whole waiting for her to love him back he wouldn't mind, because he knew one day she would feel it too eventually. _They were meant to be_. He couldn't imagine how awful it would be to live with the crippling fear of not knowing if the person you loved the most, loved you too, or if they hated you. 

If Shinra's hunch was right, it was no wonder neither of them had confessed. 

 

-x-

The last of the summer sun had finally been replaced by hazy mornings and an air with a bitter bite to it, that left exposed skin feeling raw and dry enough for most people to start bundling up in overcoats and scarves. September and October had flown by in a flash of burnt umbers and soft reds, and the trees now stood bare and the grass beneath their feet crunched from frost with every step. Towards the end of November the city had been plunged into premature holiday cheer, decorations hung between buildings and the Christmas shoppers who were eager to find the perfect gift for their loved one were already out in full force, with most shops already blaring festive music. 

“I hate winter,” Shinra muttered through chattering teeth, his whole body trembling. 

“I hate Christmas,” Shizuo grumbled, the city was a busy place all year around, but there was seemed to be something in the air at this time of year that sent people into some romantic, overly cheery sort of frenzy, as though the city was full of part time Shinra's suddenly, and Shizuo hated them all for it. 

“Don't you have any plans to pop the question to Celty this year, Shinra?” Izaya, who had been walking a few steps behind them was suddenly at the brunet's shoulder, his lips curving into a wicked smirk, “oh, that's right, she hasn't even agreed to be your girlfriend yet, has she?” 

Shizuo slapped the back of Izaya's head, causing him to stumble a little before using Shinra has a something to hold onto.

“Shizu-chan, play nice,” Izaya said with a put on his lips, rubbing the tender area with gentle fingers, it was surely going to be bruised in the morning and Izaya was glad for his thick hair that would hide the purple mark. 

“Actually, I am going to ask her!” Shinra shrugged Izaya off him as he spoke and began gesturing wildly with his arms, “I've even started planning the wedding! Celty seems to like black, so I decided she could have a black dress, extra long like a witches cloak or something and -”

Shizuo and Izaya exchanged a pointed look, choosing to tune out the rest of Shinra's ramblings. They'd heard it all before, at least a thousand times, it was only the minor details that seemed to change from time to time, as though Shinra couldn't quite make up his mind on what the perfect wedding day would entail. 

Since their agreement to become friends Shizuo and Izaya often found themselves rolling their eyes in unison over Shinra's over enthusiasm, and being able to share jokes with just a simple glance at one another. At first it hadn't been so smooth, and it was a little harder for Shizuo to get used to and accept – it was even harder to accept the reality that he and Izaya were very much alike in many ways. However, Izaya had jumped right in and was more than happy to announce their newly found friendship to anybody in the vicinity. 

Many of their classmates had been sceptical at first “what is Izaya planning?” was the general consensus. But after a couple of weeks the novelty died down, people began to forget their old way of life, and Shizuo and Izaya being friends was just... normal. Just normal. 

“Anyway, do either of you have plans for Christmas Eve?” Shinra caught them off guard, he rarely stopped his fantastical speeches about his and Celty's future to ask his friends a question. 

“Uh... no... nothing,” Shizuo replied sheepishly, using his scarf to cover the bottom half of his face in hopes of hiding his blush. He'd never spoke about his insecurities with anybody, he didn't think they'd understand, but he knew he could never find romance, nobody would be brave enough to stick around long enough for that, and anybody that did would become too precious to him, and he would have to let them go out of fear of hurting them. 

“Izaya?” Shinra prompted. 

“I've had many offers for dates,” the raven replied quickly as though the words had been waiting on the tip of his tongue, to nobodies surprise. Izaya had always been popular with the other students, the older and the younger ones, but he never seemed to follow through on any of their offers. “But I'm not interested in them.”

Shinra gave Izaya a curious glance before shaking his head and smiling again, “well, it's probably the second most romantic day of the year, I think you're both pretty stupid to miss it.”

“So don't you need a ring to propose?” Izaya said, stopping outside the window of a jewellery and pressing his finger to the glass, “like that one.”

“Wow! Izaya! That ring is so beautiful! Do you think Celty would like it?” Shinra had pressed his full body against the window, his nose smashing against the glass and his breath leaving a foggy mist with every gasp. 

“Sure, if you have a spare three hundred thousand yen.” Shizuo grunted, peering over Shinra's shoulder. “How much allowance does your dad give you again?”

“Ha ha, Shizuo, very funny,” Shinra looked disheartened and stepped away, leaning his head back and staring at the sky, “if there is a God, I will have the exact money needed for this ring when I wake up tomorrow!”

“Stupid Shinra,” Izaya sighed, “don't you know there are other ways to express your love?”

“You're the one who mentioned a ring.”

“I just wanted to see what you'd say, I didn't think you were being serious. Say Shizu-chan, what do you think Shinra should do for his great romantic gesture?” 

Shizuo was not thrilled to be pulled into the conversation, the last thing on his mind was wedding rings and romantic gestures, all he could think about was getting off the streets and into some place warm. 

“I don't know, I don't do romance,” Shizuo shook his head, “can we please go somewhere warm?”

“Spoil sport.” Izaya clicked his tongue. 

-x-

Christmas rolled around quickly, and as though he had blinked the last few weeks away, Shizuo found himself home alone spending his Christmas Eve in front of a warm crackling fire and eating any pudding that he could get his hands on. His parents were spending their Christmas on a trip together, somewhere romantic, Shizuo guessed. Kasuka was out on a date, but Shizuo had not pressed him for answers on who, where and why. 

It was early in the afternoon when Shizuo's peaceful day was interrupted by a succession of loud knocks on the front door. For a moment Shizuo seriously considered ignoring it, whoever thought it was okay to turn up unannounced at somebody's house on Christmas Eve was no friend of Shizuo's. Then there was another knock, and Shizuo knew it was too rude to pretend he wasn't at home, so with a grumble of annoyance he got up off his knees and went to answer. 

“Izaya, what are you doing here?” 

Izaya raised both arms, his fingers clasped around the handles of several shopping bags, a wide smile on his face. 

“I knew you were alone, so I thought you could use some company! I brought snacks.”

“Oh,” Shizuo stood to the side to allow Izaya enter the house. The raven kicked his shoes off in the porch and headed straight into the kitchen, welcoming himself into the house and making himself right at home in seconds. 

“I also bought you hair dye.” Izaya said as he started unpacking some of Shizuo's favourite snacks from the bags, “your roots are showing. Consider if a Christmas gift.”

“You didn't need to do that,” Shizuo's cheeks flushed as Izaya placed the hair dye box into his hand. It was a brand Shizuo had never used, but it was clear that it was an expensive one. 

“Well I thought whilst I was here I could do it for you,” Izaya said brightly, taking out a bottle of water and uncapping it, taking a large swig, Shizuo noticed his fingers were trembling slightly, was it that cold outside? 

“Actually yeah, the help would be cool,” Shizuo picked up one of the pudding tubs Izaya had brought with him. “Thanks, Izaya.”

An hour later Shizuo was sat topless on the bathroom tiles, a towel draped over his shoulders as Izaya sat on his knees behind him, massaging the dye into his head. Izaya was happily humming a tune that Shizuo was unfamiliar with, and Shizuo idly picked at his skin, the sensation of soothing massage slowly lulling him into a dreamy trance. 

“You're not falling asleep, are you?” Izaya chuckled, flicking Shizuo's cheek to wake the blond up. 

“N-no.”

“Well if all else fails with school, maybe I'll pursue a career as a masseur, what do you think?” 

Shizuo smiled, the thought of Izaya asking him career advice, no matter how comical it may be, was a wild concept. If a year ago somebody had told him Orihara Izaya would be sat in his bathroom, rubbing hair dye into his head, Shizuo would have threatened to break the persons neck. 

“I guess, you're mediocre at best though so don't expect your career to flourish.”

Izaya tugged at Shizuo's hair hard at the remark, pulling Shizuo's head back with a jerk, his face now facing the ceiling. Izaya knelt forward, their noses inches now inches apart. Shizuo stiffened, Izaya was so close he could see a litter of light freckles sprinkled over his nose like stars, now fading with age. 

“Are you really in the best position to be insulting me? I could ruin your hair, I could snap your neck, or even slit your throat, want to test me?” Despite his morbid choice of words his expression was bright, and Shizuo didn't have to ask to know he was joking. 

“I'd like to see you try,” Shizuo smirked, his neck beginning ache at being held in such a strained position for so long. 

“Oh?” Izaya laughed, but his fingers came loose and Shizuo was able to straighten up. “I guess I'll let you off, I doubt I have much chance of surviving an attack from you in this tiny bathroom.” 

The blond twirled himself around to sit face to face with the raven. Izaya was still wearing the hair dying gloves, and one of Shizuo's old jumpers in case the bleach flicked and ruined his shirt. The jumper was far too large for the smaller boy, his frame completely hidden by the jumper that hung more like a gown over his skinny body, the sleeves rolled up several times at the elbows. 

A strange feeling stirred in Shizuo's chest, one that he'd never experienced before, but it wasn't an unpleasant one, he watched on as Izaya starting to shake his hands free of the stained gloves. 

“What?” 

“Uh, what?”

“You were smiling.”

“Was I?”

Izaya raised an eyebrow, tilting his head a little. He shook his head and used a single finger to light up his phone to check for the time. 

“Twenty minutes and you can wash it off, Shizu-chan!”

-x-

After Shizuo washed his hair free of the dye, Izaya offered to dry it, and spent fifteen minutes carefully checking they hadn't missed a spot. It was weird to feel Izaya's fingers touching him in a way that wasn't meant to be aggressive or to cause pain. How had things come to this? The days of running through the streets of Ikebukuro with only one goal in mind, to kill Orihara Izaya, had been left behind without a trace of nostalgia to pine over, along with that single minded way of thinking. 

Sure, Izaya was still a bastard, and some days Shizuo felt like tearing his hair out when Izaya was being too much. But then there were days like this one, where Shizuo got to see a side of Izaya he would never have thought existed, as though Izaya was showing something very private, like he was sharing a secret with Shizuo that, somehow, for some reason, he trusted the blond to keep. 

It was getting late, Izaya had been in Shizuo's company for over seven hours and neither of them were injured or worse, Shinra would say that it was truly a Christmas Miracle. Before he left, Izaya had demanded a tour of the house and set off down the hall with Shizuo trailing quietly behind, watching from a distance as the raven inspected every inch of the Heiwajima household. His eyes were bright and curious, his fingers tracing lightly over anything that held his interest for more than a few moments. It was as though everything around him was delicate flower, and he regarded everything he saw with such adoration that he couldn't bring himself to handle them for too long. 

Finally Izaya led them into Shizuo's room, as though he had been saving the best for last and had it all planned from the start. Shizuo slumped onto his bed and watched as Izaya began searching through the books and the manga on the shelves, commenting every now and then on the ones he'd read himself and the ones he couldn't believe Shizuo actually owned. 

“I didn't expect your house to be so pleasant, especially not your bedroom.”

“What do you mean?” 

“I always imagined you lived in a cave or something. Isn't that where monsters are supposed to live?” 

“Oi.” Shizuo muttered. 

“Don't misunderstand, I'm not insulting you, I'm complimenting you.” Izaya laughed, then shrugged his shoulders, “maybe I was wrong, maybe you're not as much of a monster as I thought you were.” 

“Not as much?” Shizuo cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, you still have that brutish strength of yours, and you hardly ever act like any other _normal_ human would. So I guess that makes you only half of a monster.” Shizuo understood that this was probably the closest to a compliment he would ever receive from Izaya, so instead of retorting he accepted it. 

“You're pretty monstrous yourself you know, all offence intended by the way. Maybe you're not a monster in the conventional way that's big and ugly with fangs and leathery skin or whatever, but you're still pretty terrible, you use and hurt people and have spent most of your high school life trying to put me in a coffin.” Shizuo said all of this lightly, he wasn't out for an argument, but he felt like he needed to say these things anyway.

So they were friends now, and Izaya had been practically a joy to be around all day and honestly Shizuo had begun to enjoy the time they spent together, inside and outside of school. But that didn't excuse the past and everything Izaya used to do to Shizuo, and continued to do to those around him, and Shizuo wasn't about to forgive and forget because Izaya had dyed his hair and complimented his home. 

“I know I'm a jerk, I just can't help myself, I understand that I make a lot of enemies because of that but I guess that's just who I am, you know?”

“You don't have to be that way.”

Izaya laughed, “yes I do, I wouldn't want to be anybody other than who I am right now, I love being me. Just because most people barely get to scratch the surface of who I really am doesn't mean I should change and let them all in because you think it will make me a better person. I have my boundaries. Besides, all this good and bad talk, isn't it all subjective anyway? Just because something I do might negatively effect one persons life, it could positively effect another, so how can you stick a label on me, pop me on the bad shelf and be so assured that that's where I belong?” 

“Then how can you label me a monster so easily?”

“Because you're not human, and I love humans, I love them so much that I won't let them go hand in hand with a beast like you. Or like that headless house-mate of Shinra's. You take on the appearance of a human, you play pretend and try to behave as one would expect a human to, trying to earn the love of those around you, and somehow because of this mask you live cowering behind you think you belong here with the rest of us, when really neither of you belong here at all.”

Shizuo was silent, he couldn't deny that Izaya's words had stung him, but who was he to argue? After all, what Izaya was saying was right. Shizuo didn't belong here, he didn't deserve the love and respect of his friends and peers, there was no space in the world for a person, no, a monster like him. 

“That being said, I think if you would drop the pretence and consider yourself a monster, then maybe I could feel differently. Maybe I could...” Izaya trailed off, his eyes staring through the window and off into the distance. “Hey, Shizu-chan...”

“What?” 

“Never mind,” Izaya's entire demeanour changed in a split second right before Shizuo's eyes, the serious expression he had been wearing had been replaced with a happy smile and an almost childlike vibe. “I should probably leave, it's pretty late.”

Once out of the front door Izaya shuddered, cringing at his own words that he wished he could take back. Shizuo hadn't seemed too upset by what he had said, in fact he had hardly flinched at all. The blond had listened to what Izaya had to say and taken it in his stride, allowing Izaya's harsh criticism to slide, as though he secretly agreed with it all himself. But Izaya knew that they had been unnecessary insults used as a ruse to keep himself from spilling his guts to Shizuo. Izaya had heightened his walls and defended himself in anyway he could the moment he felt his hands begin to shake at the possibility of the truth finding it's way out of his mouth. 

Izaya was unable to pin point the exact moment it had become apparent to him, or how long he had been sitting on the truth refusing to meet with it face to face and accept it as it was. There was so much about Shizuo that made him feel like a painful thorn in Izaya's side the raven wished he could pull out and drop, but Shizuo was also the roses that blossomed proudly and unblushingly, waiting for the day that Izaya would finally pick them out from under his skin and acknowledge their beauty, and accept that he loved them with all his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everybody that has read this messy story, left kudos and commented, you guys make me so happy!


	6. Chapter 6

The New Year week celebrations came and went in the blink of an eye, and before they knew it they were sat behind their desks for their last semester as high schoolers. The thought of leaving school and going out into the world thrilled and excited many, but left others feeling particularly nervous. Some planned for college whilst others planned for work, and some had no idea what was waiting for them at the end of their educational life. 

Shizuo was one of those without a plan, with no idea or a hope for what he wanted his life to become, and no particular aspirations or dreams. But that didn't bother him, he wasn't stressed out by the thought, a simple, peaceful life was all he could hope and ask for. Perhaps being out of Orihara Izaya's way would make his wish come true. 

Shuffling in his seat, the class dead silent save for the scratching of pens against paper as everybody worked, Shizuo attempted to make peering over his shoulder seem innocent to anybody that may catch him; maybe he had dropped something and was seeing where he had fallen? 

Izaya's head was bowed, his hands gliding across the paper as he wrote sentences so quickly and elegantly his paper looked like it could have been a love letter written by a smitten teenager. He had written so much that it occurred to Shizuo that even when it came to school work, the raven had far too much to say, and Shizuo had to hold his tongue to stop himself from sighing _shut your mouth_ , despite how the raven had not opened his mouth for well over an hour. 

Before returning to school Shizuo had begun to feel anxious, he had half expected Izaya to have returned to his old ways, that being apart from Izaya since Christmas Eve would have allowed the raven to slip back into his old mentality. Shizuo was the enemy, a play thing, a monster.

But the blond had been greeted warmly, more so than usual, Izaya had bounded across the street to jump upon Shizuo's back and shout something about how piggy backs should not just be for children, his personality did not seem to accommodate those who found the mornings were to be time spent in a personal bubble. Shizuo often found he did not feel like he was apart of the real world until at least lunch time, but it he would take a bet that Izaya was busting with violent energy from the moment he got out of bed, ready to face the world and the humans he loved with colourful zest. Shizuo had acted sour, he had grumbled and tried to shake Izaya off, but truthfully the effort it took to keep himself from smiling was extraordinary.

With a blush, Shizuo realised he had been watching Izaya for quite a lot longer than expected, and quickly flipped his vision back to his own work, hoping nobody had seen him. 

With his back turned, Shizuo couldn't see the smirk Izaya was now wearing. 

-x-

The day passed by without much of an incident, Shinra had almost gotten punched for being annoying until the gang had seen Shizuo coming up a few steps behind, wearing a terrifying expression on his face. Izaya had caused a fuss at lunch time to try and orchestrate a food fight in the classroom until Shizuo shoved him in the back and sent him crashing into a desk, at which point everybody had laughed and the tension the raven had stirred up had eased. Shizuo had left school feeling a bubble of happiness at the lack of anger he had felt that day.

The bubble popped, leaving a heavy stone in the pit of his stomach just moments after he had arrived home. It wasn't part of his normal life to come home and hear raised voices and the smashing of a plate that had been thrown against the kitchen cupboards. Curiously he had crept down the hall and peeped through the ajar door to see his parents arguing, without drawing attention to his presence. 

It wasn't easy to understand why they had started shouting and throwing things at one another, their voices cancelled each other out and sounded more like static noise than actual words. It wasn't like them to be so violent; Shizuo had enough anger management problems for all of them, usually he was used to seeing tapping feet and crossed arms, with hushed words spoken as more of a warning of an argument than a full blow fight. 

For as long as Shizuo could remember, they had been a happy couple, of course it hadn't always been butterflies and rainbows, they had their differences and a strain had certainly been put on their relationship when Shizuo had started losing control. But for the most part, they were happy, they were in love, and everyday Shizuo would think, as he watched his father kiss his mother's forehead, and they gazed lovingly at one another as he left for his long day at work, that if could find somebody who made him as happy as his parents made one another for even half the time that they had been a couple, then than would be a success in itself. 

Shizuo leaned against the door frame, breathing as quietly as he could so he could try and catch some of the words his parents were spitting at one another like venom. He knew they would stop the moment they thought they weren't alone. 

Grimacing, Shizuo felt a twist in his stomach as the word 'divorce' echoed down the hallway and for a moment everything was quiet, as though the house itself was holding its breath at the word. Clenching his fists, his breathing became fast and heavy and he quickly headed to his bedroom, doing his best to avoid the creaky parts of the floor. Closing his bedroom door as quietly as he could, Shizuo dropped his bag to the ground and slumped down onto his bed, feeling as though somebody even stronger than he was had punched him in the back of the head.

The shouting that was no muffled by the closed door still reverberated in Shizuo's ears, as though it was bouncing around his very insides with no hopes of stopping any time soon. Shizuo had known many kids who had parents that were separated, and they all seemed fine, happy. But Shizuo didn't want to see this happen to his family, he never wanted to be without his father or mother. They had always been his rock, the only people who believed in him and backed him all the way, no matter how many bones he broke or how many buildings they destroyed. They were patient, forgiving, understanding, everything Shizuo had ever needed. 

What would he do without them? 

The room was turning a fiery red as the sun began to set, the shadows crept along the floor, up the bed and over Shizuo's body, shrouding him like a heavy weight compressing his chest. His phone buzzed in his pocket, but he ignored it, his thoughts still swirling around in his mind as though they were caught in a whirlpool. 

His phone buzzed again, but Shizuo remained still, whoever it was could wait. The pressing feeling on his abdomen and chest were suffocating, as though the embodiment of the silence in his room was sat atop of him, forcing the air from his lungs.

For the third time his phone buzzed, only this time the long, drawn out vibrations told him that it was a call. He breathed out a sigh and fished for his phone. 

“What?”

“Tch, such a monster Shizu-chan, is that any way to answer the phone to your friends?” 

The quip that would usually push Shizuo onto the border of his rage, instead loosened the knot that had formed in his stomach from the argument he had walked in on. Shizuo blinked a few times, his breathing beginning to steady a little as he listened to Izaya break into ramble about something or other. 

“Are you listening?”

“Keep talking.”

“Eh? Shizu-chan -”

“Please.” 

Izaya fell silent, and Shizuo had to check if the raven had hung up on him or not before putting the phone back to his ear just in time to hear Izaya's tongue click against the roof of his mouth. 

“What's the matter with you? Usually you're telling me to piss off by now. Don't tell me you've grown to like the sound of my voice.” 

“I'm fine, I just... want to listen to your story.” Shizuo felt his chest tighten at the simple thought of what was still taking place downstairs, and for some reason that sound of Izaya's voice was a comforting familiarity that Shizuo was happy to snatch up immediately, and question later. 

There was another beat of silence, and perhaps that had been a waver in the blond's voice that he had been unable to hide, but Izaya was sharp, and Shizuo knew the raven had seen through the lie as soon as the words had slipped past his teeth, as though the blond had been as transparent as cellophane.

“Hey, meet me in fifteen minutes near the school gates.” 

-x-

Shizuo had changed and slipped out of the house undetected, his parents still speaking in raised tones and using words Shizuo wished he could somehow block his ears from. Izaya wasn't wearing his usual toothy grin when they had bumped into each other a couple of streets away from the school. His head tipped to one side, his eyes were narrowed as they stared unblinkingly at Shizuo, as though he was staring straight into the blond's mind for the question he didn't even need to ask. 

“My parents...” Shizuo's voice broke and the blond detached his eyes from Izaya's imploring gaze to stare at anything that wasn't Izaya.

“Ah,” Izaya gave a single nod, “well you know how humans can be, Shizu-chan, tell me -”

Izaya's words were cut off when his mouth was suddenly pressed against the fabric of Shizuo's shirt, as the blond pulled him into what could have only been described as a loose embrace. Shizuo was evidently feeling awkward about reaching out this way, and Izaya was stiff under his arms, surprised by the sudden, desperate grasp for a form of affection. 

It wasn't so bad, Shizuo caught himself thinking, the scent of Izaya's hair lingering in his nose as he pressed the tip to the top of Izaya's head. Then there was the pressure of hands on his back, the weight of two arms that weren't his on either of his waist as they wrapped around his body to meet at his lower back. Izaya's body relaxed, he hadn't thrown himself into the hug, but Shizuo couldn't help but smile at his effort. 

They broke apart and Shizuo put a hand on Izaya's head, gently ruffling the hair beneath his fingers. 

“That's all I needed. Thank you, Izaya.”

“Ah, it was no big deal.”

But it was, Izaya had phoned Shizuo before he had even reached his house after leaving school, he had turned around as he hit the end of his street to walk all the way back to meet with Shizuo, he had willingly put his arms around somebody he would have once rather run a knife through. 

“Parents are humans too, they're not the perfect, God-like beings we're made to believe they are when we're young, and they're going to hurt you at some point, because isn't that what humans do?” Izaya said, he had no idea what had happened when Shizuo had arrived home after school, but he knew the issues that often came when you were living with a couple, and so the list of options for what had taken place was a short one. 

“I know,” Shizuo mumbled, Izaya made sense, he knew that, but the truth was certainly hard to swallow. Of course there was still nothing set in stone, his parents might be fine in a few hours, or even a couple of days, but things had just started going right; Shizuo was having less fights, feeling less angry, who was to say that having his family torn apart wouldn't make him slip back down the stairs he had been climbing over the last few months? 

Izaya crouched down and perched himself on the edge of the curb, and patted the space next to him for Shizuo to take a seat. The blond did without a moments hesitation, their shoulders touching, their thighs brushing, Shizuo almost laughed out loud in bitter disgust at how the close proximity was actually comforting. 

The sky was dark now, the spot in which they sat illuminated by the street lamp above them that flickered occasionally, a cool, spring breeze gently kissed their skin and Shizuo could feel Izaya's small frame shake, the raven still adorned in just his school uniform. 

“You don't have to stick around, you can go home.”

“I know,” Izaya shrugged. 

“So -?”

“I'm feeling kind.” Izaya spoke as though he had chosen his words carefully, or had held back on what he had truly wanted to say. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“There's a story to this, so listen good. There's this kid, and both of his parents have this job that means they're rarely home, he sees them a couple of times a year at best, but mostly he is left alone. They keep in touch but only to check the kids alive, I suppose. There's no talk of school work, or grades, or... feelings. What do you think would happen to this kid? Do you think they'd stand a chance at ever being normal? Or do you think they'd always be lonely?”

“Every kid needs a parent or a guardian, right? Somebody who cares, somebody to make them feel safe. I mean without one, wouldn't their sense of reality be twisted? How could they believe that anybody could love them if nobody was there to show them how to tie their own shoe laces? Or to show them there's nothing scary hiding under the bed? How could they know how to love anybody, if they'd never felt love themselves?”

“Interesting,” Izaya spoke under his breath, as though he was talking to himself and not to Shizuo at all. “So you believe their life would be loveless? Non to receive, and non to give?”

“Well, maybe not forever. I'm sure they could learn to love, and how to accept love, but it would be hard, I think. I can't imagine not knowing what it feels like to be accepted unconditionally despite how much of a monster you might be... I don't think I could stand to be around anybody if my parents hadn't told me they loved me. I would be scared that I was totally unlovable.”

“You're not...” Izaya laughed and shook his head, the sentence dying in his throat, the words had almost come spilling out of his mouth on reflex; he did not want Shizuo to think he was unlovable, but admitting that out loud would almost be a confession.

“Sorry, did I say something wrong?” 

“Nah,” Izaya shook his head and smiled.

“You know, I don't think you're going to be lonely forever. I don't think you have a hope in hell of ever being normal though, sorry. But you won't be lonely, I mean, you have us already, so I bet you'll find somebody to love even your freakish ass.” 

“Ah, Shizu-chan saw through my story,” Izaya mused. 

“You hardly disguised it. It will be okay though,” Shizuo gave Izaya a gentle nudge with his elbow, and for the first time Izaya didn't feel the ache of a purple bruise forming from the force of Shizuo's touch, it seemed he was learning the amount of pressure the raven's skin could stand. 

“How can you know that?”

“I just do,” Shizuo said.

“That's not an answer, stupid Shizu-chan,” Izaya said with a pout, “believing in something that only might happen, or only might be real is like believing in God. Until I see it with my own two eyes, it's not real.”

“Do you think you're unlovable?”

“I think everybody should love me.”

“But do you think they will?”

Izaya shuffled uncomfortably, the hard pavement was starting to make him sore and the conversation was heading in a direction he was not pleased with. It was true that he had brought up this topic himself, but he had not expected a lecture on love from Shizuo. 

Besides, whatever Shizuo said now was redundant, what did it matter if everybody loved him, or if they hated him? Izaya would never love the humans that fell for him the way that they wanted him to, he would love them collectively, as a whole, with vigour and an unrelenting passion, but he would never return their individual affection, because his heart belonged to a monster.

“I don't care, if they confess their love me, then I will reject them all, every single one, of them, and if they hate me, I will encourage their hatred, so long as they think about me I will continue to love them as a human. I know I'm not the nicest person, I deserve their hatred, but to me their hatred is still love, because they still care enough to think about me, and I welcome it. I would rather them hate me, then not care for me at all.”

Shizuo was watching Izaya with a furrowed brow and a frown, and Izaya was bracing himself for Shizuo's next lecture. But then his expression softened, and the blond gave a shrug, turning his gaze to the sky. 

“You're so fucking weird, Izaya.”

Izaya couldn't deny that, but if Shizuo could feel the unsteady rhythmic beating of Izaya's heart as their shoulders brushed together, their skin sharing heat on this cool evening, would he be so sure that the child without a caring parent would fail at feeling love? Shizuo had a very forward way of thinking, to him, love could only blossom from the kindness and caring that somebody else had planted within you, that hatred could only exist when somebody did something terrible to you, but what if they could coexist? Could love not come from hating somebody for so long, they came a part of your life you could not bear to lose? 

Perhaps that was an unconventional type of love, and maybe Izaya's feelings for Shizuo would only ever be viewed as an obsessive form of loathing by those who could not understand, or those who could not believe. But Izaya did believe, because he was living proof that such a thing could exist, because he felt it, he felt the hatred boiling in his veins whenever he was reminded of Shizuo's monstrous nature, of how the blond was so far from being human yet still believed he belonged here, it made Izaya feel sick. And yet...

Izaya felt his heart skip a beat whenever Shizuo chased after him, when he called Izaya's name in a rage, or spoke it softly when they whispered in class. The feeling that ran under his skin like a static shock at every touch, and the warmth in his chest that came with the sweet smell of strawberries and cream that hung in the air around the blond. Izaya never wanted any of these things to go away, the things born from hatred or the things born from love. 

Maybe Shizuo was so used to the traditional sense of love that he would never understand that Izaya both loved and hated him with such animosity that it kept him bringing the knife in his back pocket when they met, only to spend the night lying awake and thinking of holding his hand. Perhaps Izaya's form of twisted love was one that Shizuo would never accept. 

With a heart heavier than led, Izaya pushed himself to his feet; it was hard to pin point exactly how he was feeling at this latest revelation. It was hard to say what he wanted, whether it was for Shizuo to love him or hate him still remained a mystery, but Izaya was tired of thinking, and the day was growing old. 

“I'm going home now, Shizu-chan, I hope I was able to be of some help to you.” 

“Thanks Izaya.”

“You were of no help to me, just so you know, but I did find your views interesting, and quite insightful. I guess we're still just two very different people, even now that we're friends.”

“Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out, Izaya.” 

“I guess not, but still, I never quite know what you're going to say, maybe one day I'll be able to read you better,” Izaya was already starting to take steps away from Shizuo, increasing the distance between them. “I'll go now, enjoy your evening, Shizu-chan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I know I initially said this story would be around 7 chapters max, but there's no way I'm ending this next chapter, and with what I have planned it will probably stretch to 10! 
> 
> These next couple of chapters will be solely focus on Shizuo and Izaya, so no Celty/Shinra, it's just so I can focus on their ~feelings~ more hahaha 
> 
> anyway, thank you for reading! It means a lot that so many of you have left kudos and commented, thank you so much!


	7. Chapter 7

Shizuo wasn't entirely sure how Izaya had ended up sprawled out on his bed in such a way that Shizuo had been forced to sit himself on the floor to finish up his homework. Izaya had long since finished his own and had decided to nap. The only problem was that the raven was so silent and still Shizuo felt compelled to keep checking he was actually still breathing and hadn't suddenly died. 

The room had grown dark as the day turned to early evening, pink and orange streaks were visible in the sky through the window from where Shizuo was sat. They'd been at this all day, but he supposed that was the curse of having Izaya has your study buddy – he didn't seem to understand the concept of getting work done quickly and saving the conversation for later. 

It had also become clear to Shizuo that Izaya definitely enjoyed the sound of his own voice, and seemed willing to talk about anything so long as it was his words that were filling the silence. Shizuo looked over his shoulder to check that Izaya's chest was still rising and falling. It was. Usually he would have gotten angry and forced Izaya to stay awake to keep him company as he worked, saying how Izaya would never sleep if he napped so late in the afternoon. But lately Izaya seemed to have permanent bags under his eyes and his skin had become dull, and he wasn't as sharp as usual, and so Shizuo had decided to give Izaya a break.

Izaya was not the type of person to open up and reveal his thoughts and feelings, and he certainly wouldn't confide in anybody about any problems he might be having, he continued to hold those around him at arms length, building a thick wall between them and his heart, determined to remain shrouded in mystery. Shizuo knew next to nothing about Izaya's personal life past school. Shizuo knew Izaya had younger sisters, but for some reason he avoided talking about them, and he knew that his parents were overseas a lot for work, but they sent back enough money for their children to live comfortably, but Izaya avoided talking about them too. It was Shinra that had shared this information with Shizuo a few weeks earlier.

Shizuo rested his chin on his mattress and stared at Izaya's sleeping face, privately thinking it was nice to see Izaya so calm and quiet for once, it was an unusual picture, and one that he didn't want to change too soon. What was Izaya going through that kept him awake so often he needed to nap in the day? The guy was only eighteen, was there really something in his life that was already so stressful? Did he miss his parents? Was it the pressure of raising two young girls by himself? Shinra had said something about a nanny once or twice, and Izaya had stated he didn't have much to do with the twins, but perhaps he secretly felt as though they were his responsibility? Were they misbehaving? Failing school? 

It certainly wasn't their school work that was worrying him, he was easily the smartest kid in the class that made even the most difficult of projects and essays seem like a breeze, he even offered to help Shizuo sometimes. 

It was laughable that he had come to care so much about Izaya that Shizuo was actually slightly bitter that the raven had not chosen to open up about what was bothering him so much, but Shizuo understood, maybe he didn't know anything about Izaya's private life, but he knew who Izaya was, and how he was, and maybe that was enough. 

Shizuo's eyes had become unfocused now, his mind wandering, he didn't notice that Izaya's own eyes had flickered open and were now staring right back at him.

“Oi, Shizu-chan...” Izaya murmured, his voice thick with sleep, he moved his hand to Shizuo's face and poked the blond's cheek with one extended finger, “come back to earth. Where are you?” 

“Oh, you're awake,” Shizuo spoke just as quietly as Izaya as he was pulled out of his own mind by Izaya's soft talking.

“Why are you watching me sleep?” Izaya was rubbing his eyes tiredly now, a pout on his lips.

“I wasn't,” Shizuo grumbled, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks, “I was just seeing if you were breathing, I was thinking you might be dead. You're too quiet when you sleep.”

Izaya raised an eyebrow, “too quiet? I'm sorry, we can't all snore like you, I'll try to wake up every hour or so to let you know my heart's still beating."

“I don't snore!” 

Izaya smirked, his eyes still heavy, he let out a content sigh as his lids slipped shut again, whispering something about having a few minutes more sleep, and as quickly as he was awake, Izaya was asleep again, and Shizuo was left alone. 

\- x -

It was a couple of hours before Izaya woke up again, Shizuo had managed to finish his homework, eat and shower in the time it took for Izaya to rise. Shizuo came back from his shower, his hair damp and his body still glistening with water droplets, to find the raven sat cross legged on his bed, eating some of the snacks Shizuo kept hidden in his bedside table drawer. 

“Hey! Don't root through my things!” The blond scowled. 

“Ah, these are so nasty, why do you eat them at all, Shizu-chan? Do you eat anything healthy at all?” Izaya pulled a face as a too-sweet taste hit his tongue from one of the hard boiled sweets he had popped into his mouth. 

“If you're hungry I'll get you something from downstairs, or better yet, you can go home. It's getting late,” Shizuo grumbled, choosing to ignore Izaya's jibe. 

Shizuo turned his back to Izaya's smirking face and began rooting in his drawers for his pyjama bottoms, suddenly hyper aware that the towel he'd wrapped as tightly as possible around himself was beginning to slip from his hips, now dipping just enough for the hair on his lower stomach to peek into visibility. Shizuo felt his face burn as he prayed that Izaya had failed to notice. 

“Uh, I'll change in the bathroom...”

“I'm not looking, Shizu-chan!” Izaya laughed, “why would I want to watch a monster get into his flowery pyjamas?”

“They're not flowers! It's just a pattern!” Shizuo felt like wrapping the leg of the pants in his hand around Izaya's neck and choking him until he shut up, the raven continued to chuckle to himself and rose from the mattress smoothly.

“Whatever you say. I'll stand out there, okay?”

“Why don't you just go home?” Shizuo grumbled. 

“I'm not ready to leave just yet.”

The door closed and Shizuo rolled his eyes. Lately Izaya had been making a habit of showing up at Shizuo's door unannounced and staying until it was so late Shizuo had spent the next day in a stupor from exhaustion. Tonight was heading to be the same as every other, it seemed. It wasn't that Shizuo really had any complaints about it, he enjoyed spending time with Izaya, but it was an unusual and sudden change he had to adapt to; the blond was so used to having his alone time with his books. 

Shizuo opened the door once he was decent and Izaya returned to his spot on the bed, making himself comfortable. Glad there was finally room for him too, Shizuo took a seat near Izaya and leaned his back up against the wall, and opened a book he had been looking forward to reading all day. Izaya was on his phone, and so the room was quiet for the time being, but the silence was a comfortable one. Shizuo was used to these now, sometimes Izaya could be silent if he was busying himself with something he deemed of greater importance, and that was fine by Shizuo. 

“Say, Shizu-chan...”

Here we go, Shizuo thought; yes the raven kept himself busy a lot, usually with things Shizuo didn't even want to ask about they seemed so sketchy, but even so the silence was fated to die early, as he was only able to keep his mouth shut for a certain amount of time. 

“Why don't I just stay here with you? It's past midnight, I might get mugged if I walk home now!” He spoke jokingly, but Shizuo knew the suggestion was genuine.

Shizuo snorted, “nobody would mug _you_. I'm pretty sure everybody is scared shitless of you, even the teachers are, that's why you never get into trouble. Besides, if anybody tried to do hurt you in anyway you'd probably put them in the morgue.” The end of Shizuo's sentence was met with a loud laugh that Shizuo tried to stifle by pushing his hand against the raven's mouth. “My parents are asleep,” he scolded. 

Shizuo didn't remove his hand until Izaya's shoulders stopped shaking with laughter. He had traded his loud laugh in for a tinkling laugh that sounded like a child trying to hold in their giggles.

“Is that really what you think of me? You think I could kill a person?” Izaya seemed incredibly amused at the thought.

“Yes.” Shizuo said in a deadpan tone. 

“How rude, that's quite an accusation Shizu-chan! I love my humans, I wouldn't kill them. Besides, as if I'd risk getting thrown in prison for something as moronic as murder, I appreciate my freedom.” 

“Right, because that's the only thing holding you back,” Shizuo smirked, his book finally losing his attention, he placed it face down on his bed and regarded Izaya with perplexed expression, “so you're telling me, if your life was threatened and you knew you could get away with anything, you still wouldn't kill them?”

“I'd defend myself, of course,” Izaya spoke as though his answer was obvious, “but I can hurt people without killing them. What if this person would one day prove to be the most interesting person I'd ever met? Actually, I think anybody that would try to kill me would be interesting. I'd rather ask them why they tried, than to put a knife through their heart. I wouldn't be scared of them, I'd completely control the situation.”

Shizuo had to nod in agreement, he was confident that Izaya had the means to take care of himself in a sticky situation, he had certainly held his own enough times against Shizuo, and Shizuo didn't doubt that he could probably use that smart mouth of his alone to talk himself out of danger. But there was still that side of Izaya that Shizuo knew nothing of, and there was certainly a sinister air that surrounded the raven.

“So what about you Shizu-chan? You could kill somebody with one punch, would you ever do it?” 

Shizuo pursed his lips, his initial instinct would have been to firmly reply _no_ , but not only would Izaya be unsatisfied with the answer, there was something unsettling inside him that whispered that depending on the situation, that maybe he could. 

“No, I wouldn't willingly...” Shizuo began slow, Izaya's eyebrows raised disbelievingly, “but, if somebody was threatening my family or... I don't know, somebody important to me, I'd do whatever it takes to protect them.” 

“How noble. Well, maybe one day I will hire you as my bodyguard, if that's the case!”

“Dream on, I wouldn't kill for you, hell I wouldn't even beat somebody up for you,” Shizuo snorted. “Oh, and I wouldn't work for you, either.” 

Izaya tutted loudly at Shizuo's refusal to be his personal bodyguard, but he wore a grin as though he had found Shizuo's instant rejection amusing. With a yawn, he lay back down on the bed and flung his legs onto Shizuo's lap, returning his eyes to his phone and ignoring Shizuo once again. 

“I never said you could stay, don't get comfortable!”

“It's almost one o'clock in the morning, are you really going to make me walk?”

“I'll walk with you.”

“No thank you, I don't want to walk through the city in the middle of the night with somebody who isn't even willing to beat a person up for me!” Izaya scoffed.

“You don't need my help anyway, let's be real,” Shizuo sighed, pushing Izaya's legs off his lap only for the raven to fling them back on in a split second. 

“Come on Shizu-chan, there's enough room for both of us,” Izaya rubbed the space beside him and winked at Shizuo, earning him a smack across the shins, “ow!”

“This is my bed, if anything you can have the floor.”

“Shizu-chan!” Izaya gasped, putting a hand over his mouth in mock disgust, “I'm the guest!”

“No, you're the pest.” Shizuo grinned at his own joke.

“Wow, hilarious.” Izaya groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Shizuo laughed quietly, and taking Izaya up on his offer he lay in the free space beside him, bringing his book with him to place on his chest, in case Izaya decided his phone was more interesting again. Izaya moved his hand from his face and frowned at Shizuo. 

“What is it now?” Shizuo sighed. 

“Just thinking about how I wish I hadn't offered you a space on the bed.” 

“My bed,” Shizuo repeated in a mutter, jabbing his fingers into Izaya's tummy lightly in one quick movement, causing the raven to wince a little, though his smirk only widened. 

“You pick on me a lot.” Izaya sighed, rubbing his stomach where there was bound to be a bruise already forming in the shapes of the tips of Shizuo's fingers.

“You make my life a living hell a lot, so what do you expect?” Shizuo said, picking up his book with the intention to read, but Izaya pulled it from his hands and dropped it to the floor with a clunk. Shizuo scowled, hoping none of the pages had become bent. 

“Why don't we talk?” Izaya suggested cheerily. 

“What do you want to talk about?” 

Izaya was silent for a while, pouting his lips as his eyes glazed over and Shizuo wondered what nonsense he was going to bring into the conversation next. This was another thing Shizuo had come to learn about Izaya over the last few months that they had spent growing closer. Izaya liked deep talks, especially at night; it was almost as though his mind transcended into another realm where only he would fully understand what he was talking about. 

Sometimes Shizuo would wake up in the morning to essay length texts, including paragraphs and correct punctuation, on Izaya's thoughts about the universe, and the meaning of life, and the things humans did. At first Shizuo deleted them without even skimming over them, he felt bad but Izaya never questioned it, as though the texts had never happened in the first place. Then one morning Shizuo had woke early, and instead spent his first few minutes of the new day lying in bed and reading Izaya's texts. It was as though his eyes were being pried open by the serrated, sharp knife that was Orihara Izaya's mind. So since then, Shizuo had started paying a little more attention to what the raven had to say. He felt like he was being shown something nobody had ever seen before, that this was just another one of Izaya's secret faces nobody else had been honoured enough to witness. 

And besides, Izaya seemed to smile more when people listened to him. 

“Ever wondered why people do stupid things when they're in love?” Finally he spoke, breaking into Shizuo's thoughts and bringing him back into reality with a question that Shizuo felt he would never be able to answer correctly.

“Uh, no, I've never thought about that, Izaya,” Shizuo sighed, his lips hooking into a smile at Izaya's train of thought; how had he even arrived at this topic? 

“Do you think love is real, or psychological?”

“Real. You only have to look at the people you care about to know that.” Shizuo said.

Izaya shrugged his shoulders, “love appears to cause a lot of problems for people though, don't you think? I mean think about it, it can depress people, make them deliriously happy, make them delusional and even make them act irrationally. To me that sounds like a sickness, or something that only happens in your head. It's up to the individual to avoid it, or control it.”

“Well, maybe it is psychological, but that doesn't make it fake. If you care about somebody enough to do something stupid for them, then I guess that's love, just because it doesn't exist in the heart, why should it not be real? Even if the stupid thing is bad, they did it because they thought it was the right thing to do by the person they love.”

“Or it's just delusional obsession,” Izaya responded, “like our good friend Shinra.”

They both broke into quiet chuckles over their best friend, and soon the conversation changed, but instead of the mind bending thoughts from the very depths of Izaya's mind that Shizuo had been expecting, the conversation remained light, funny even. 

The night crept by, the hours spent in hushed whispers and stifled laughter, and the now room basked in a soft hue from the light of the moon after Shizuo had turned his bedside table lamp off when his eyes had grown to heavy for the harsh light. Izaya told him stories about some of the things he had observed humans doing that he had found amusing or strange, and Shizuo listened raptly, throwing in his own suggestions and ideas whenever Izaya took a moment to breathe. Izaya was enjoying himself, it was clear from the glint in his eyes whenever Shizuo said something that Izaya hadn't even considered, or offered his opinion on the humans Izaya spoke about. 

“Don't you ever think it's a bit weird though? Watching humans all the time?” Shizuo asked with a yawn, his whole body felt like lead and he yearned for sleep, but Izaya's voice kept him awake. “I mean, you could have picked a nicer hobby, what you do is sort of rude.”

“Yes, I know. I've heard this all before, you know? I know people think I'm weird, but that's fine by me.” Izaya said, “as long as they think about me, then I'm happy with their resentment, I'll accept it. Hey, do you think I'm weird?”

“Yeah of course I do,” Shizuo nodded, a strange expression flashed over Izaya's features for a second, and Shizuo could have sworn he saw something akin to the shock of a sting, but it was gone in a flash and suddenly Izaya was still grinning through the darkness at him like a Cheshire Cat. “I still like you though.” Shizuo added as an after thought.

“Ha... Shizu-chan, why are you so... ?” Izaya looked away, and Shizuo wondered again if he was upset, but before Shizuo could ask him Izaya closed the space between them and buried his face in Shizuo's chest, one of his arms draping over Shizuo's waist and pulling their bodies together, “thanks, Shizu-chan.”

“Uh... mm, no problem,” Shizuo felt hot, Izaya's body felt hot, his heart beat quickened and his mouth dried out. Shizuo awkwardly patted the top of Izaya's head, unsure of where else he could put his hands, even he knew this was an incredibly intimate moment to be sharing with somebody that was supposed to be just a friend. Shizuo had always thought cuddling in bed was something reserved for lovers, especially in the dead of night when the world was resting but the rush of being next to your partner kept you awake, but Izaya was unblushing and his body was relaxed, and the longer they remained in the embrace the less sheepish Shizuo felt, and the more natural it became. 

Shizuo tilted his head on the pillow so his nose reached Izaya's hair and he breathed in the soothing scent, his eyes closing at once. He couldn't help but acknowledge how peaceful the situation was, with the rumbling sound of the city through the closed window as it slowly awakened, and the distant tweeting of the first birds of the day, Shizuo felt a content wave washing over him, like he was sticking his feet into a calming, paradise tide. This felt nice. _This felt really nice_. 

“Ah, it's nearly five... we should sleep.” Izaya mused, his voice a little muffled from being pressed into Shizuo's night shirt. "The sun will be up soon."

“Mm.” Shizuo managed, already half way to sleep, he heard the sound of Izaya chuckling again.

“Goodnight, Shizu-chan.”

“Night 'Zaya,” Shizuo mumbled, his own arm now finding its way around Izaya's small frame and holding him closer somehow, so that the raven had no chance of rolling to the other side of the bed and taking the covers with him, leaving Shizuo in the cold. There was no escaping.

But honestly, Shizuo was beginning to feel like Izaya wouldn't want to escape anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> waa kind of short I think? and very dialogue heavy, sorry
> 
> I wanted to write something quickly that made me smile because ketsu is hurting my heart and my head, I hope everybody is enjoying the suffering as much as I am lmao
> 
>  
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading! I am so grateful! 
> 
> Edit: this fic will be 10 chaps long, so only 3 left to go!


	8. Chapter 8

Kyohei was hosting a party. Not a flashy, rebellious teen sort of party, but rather a small gathering of his friends. He had invited over a few people from school and a few from outside of school for an evening at his apartment. Kyohei attracted many people with his easy going nature and leadership qualities, so it was no surprise to Izaya when he had arrived to see the small apartment bursting with familiar and unfamiliar faces. Izaya had only agreed to go on the basis that Kyohei could assure him there would be many, many people there. 

Izaya planned to observe from a distance, and after a while of searching he found the perfect spot to watch the others from. He pulled out his phone to make it look as though he was messaging people instead of peering at those around him. 

Sure, there were times when Izaya enjoyed mingling and getting up close and personal, but there were so many people he wouldn't even know where to start without at least a bit of planning and pre-observation. Parties were always a good place to meet knew people, but Izaya's motives were vastly different to those who usually attended parties to meet others. 

“Are you being creepy again?” 

“It's a pleasure to see you too, Shizu-chan,” Izaya sighed, turning to face the blond that had clearly just arrived, his hair dishevelled from the high winds and still clad in a winter coat. “Do monsters even feel the cold?” 

“My parents think I'll get ill if I don't wear a coat,” Shizuo explained as he unzipped said coat and shed himself free, and Izaya laughed. 

“Are they not aware they have a beast for a son?” 

Shizuo shook his head and walked away from Izaya to grab himself a bottle of coke. He returned to lean against the wall beside to Izaya and followed the raven's gaze around the room. 

“So tell me, which ones the most interesting?” 

Izaya grinned, “in the room? You, of course.” Shizuo shot Izaya a bored look and Izaya laughed again. “Okay, besides Shizu-chan, hmm. See that girl over there? The one with the dyed blue hair? She's going to do something funny.”

“Huh? Like what?”

Izaya used Shizuo's shoulder as an arm rest and leaned closer to whisper over the music, pointing with just his finger instead of extending his arm, to hide that he was talking about the other guests, “she wants that guy to to kiss her, but he's hovering around her friend. She's gonna try and steal him.”

“How have you come to that conclusion?” Shizuo raised an eyebrow. 

“When you've spent as long as I have watching people, these things become obvious. Besides, give it a few minutes and you'll see what I mean for yourself.” 

They watched, the music loud in their ears, Izaya was glad for it as he felt his heartbeat quicken from the short space that was between his and Shizuo's face, he was sure it was thudding loud enough that it would be heard by anybody that was stood too close. 

Shizuo watched in awe as the blue haired girl approached her friend and the boy in question, and took hold of his arm to get his attention. Shizuo chuckled and turned his face back to Izaya's. 

“You were right.” 

“I always am,” Izaya smiled weakly, wishing he had enough courage to take hold of Shizuo's arm that way.

_Ah, what would Shizu-chan say, if I told him that...?_

Izaya inwardly cursed himself as his mind ran away with him, showing him things he would rather pretend he'd never even considered. It was so disgusting, so embarrassing, so _human_.

Why couldn't he be more like Shinra? Unashamed of his feelings, so detached from humans that only one monster mattered, and he would do anything to please said monster, and keep it in his life, even denying the rest of humanity. 

“I asked Celty to come, but she said no,” Shinra said, seemingly deflated as Shizuo handed him a coke. 

“Well yeah, I can imagine she'd feel out of place here,” Shizuo chuckled. 

Shizuo liked Celty, Izaya knew that. Birds of feather, he supposed. Izaya had only met Celty a few times, but he had no time for monsters that tried fit in with humans, but Shizuo had taken a shine to her on the their first meeting. 

Was it because she accepted who she was? She was able to meet in the middle of her supernatural being and her lifestyle here in Ikebukuro, and shake her humanity's hand, happy to try her best to fit in with the rest of the city despite knowing she didn't belong, and that she stuck out like a sore thumb. Just like Shizuo. They were both trying to be better people, to fit in. 

Izaya caught his reflection in the light of Shizuo's glass bottle, his eyes and nose misshapen by the curve, as he stared at the face that wasn't his own, he wondered about his own humanity. Was he really as human as he thought? Was his rejection of his humanity in vain?

What if Shizuo been so quick to write him off at the beginning because Izaya he saw right through Izaya, that Shizuo was able to see the monster lurking beneath his skin waiting for it's time to break through and show Izaya for who he truly was? The monster that he himself had fabricated in hopes of becoming something more than the rest of humanity, something different, something better. Izaya was neither, he rejected his humanity stubbornly, whilst hating beasts and those who claimed to be human with every fibre of his being, despite being housing a monster of his own just under his skin.

Would Izaya have to become fully human, or a complete monster to win Shizuo's whole, unwavering affection? 

In the end, what did it matter? What was the difference, really? Celty, Shizuo and Izaya himself, they wanted the same thing: to be loved and accepted by humans. So what did it matter that Izaya's desires were a little more twisted than theirs; Shizuo had himself addressed the hidden monster that lurked in Izaya's heart, but he had yet to turn his back on Izaya. Yes, it was a monster that Izaya himself had created, he had chosen to be this way, he had chosen to stand apart from humanity, but why did that make it any different? 

_Because they didn't choose this life._

Neither Shinra nor Shizuo were at Izaya's side, they had dispersed into the crowd and were now talking with a group of people that Izaya recognised from school.

_Since when did they become social butterflies?_

With a sigh, the raven leaned his back against the wall, his head tilting so that it appeared his was staring towards the ceiling, when really his eyes were darting to and from Shizuo and the girl he was stood with. 

Izaya wasn't jealous, he was merely curious. 

The problem was, Izaya had no idea how long Shizuo and this girl had been acquaintances; what if they were on a first name basis already? How come he had never noticed this before? Izaya was usually sharp, and was quick to know the relationships of everybody in the room. How had he missed his best friend befriending a pretty girl like her?

Her arm extended as her head rolled back on her shoulders with a loud laugh that made the raven grit his teeth, her hands finding Shizuo's elbow and running down his forearm and she spoke to him. Izaya's hand twitched towards the flick blade in his pocket instinctively, but then he gave himself a shake and laughed to himself at how ridiculous his actions were.

_You are are truly pathetic, Izaya._

The room felt as though it was growing increasingly hot, and Izaya decided that once Shizuo was done flirting, he would take the blond outside for a breath of fresh air. His favourite moments were those spent with just Shizuo, and he would make any excuse for them to be alone. 

Lately however, Izaya's feelings had been causing problems. Showing up unannounced at Shizuo's house, he knew, was unacceptable, but Shizuo didn't seem to mind too much, he let Izaya in every time, without a complaint. Izaya wondered if Shizuo had come to expect his arrival now. 

Was he making it obvious? 

Izaya kept his eyes on Shizuo, it was hard to look away when he was wearing a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners as a deep, rumbling laugh that came from his stomach could be heard over the music. Izaya would often find himself staring in Shizuo's direction, though usually he would kid himself into thinking he was simply lost in thought and staring into space. But he had no excuse tonight, he _wanted_ to look at Shizuo, and he wanted Shizuo to look at him too.

How could he gain Shizuo's affection? How could he make Shizuo see the truth without actually saying it out loud? Once those words were spoken, they would never be able to be retracted, and they could very well be followed by an ice cold rejection that would leave a bad taste in Izaya's mouth for months. 

Izaya swallowed, his mouth dry and his throat scratchy, the heat from the body count in the room was starting to become uncomfortable. The rest of the party continued moving, the sound of loud music, chattering and laughter filled his ears loudly, despite how far away he was beginning to feel, and suddenly his knees were feeling like jelly.

“Hey,” he felt a sharp shove against his shoulder and Izaya was suddenly brought back to Earth. “Izaya, what the hell?”

“What?” Izaya blinked, confused by Shizuo shaking him so roughly. 

“Uh, you just almost fell over! Are you okay? Somebody hasn't put something in your drink have they? I'll kill them, I'll fucking kill them -” Shizuo gritted his teeth, his hands turning to fists as he whipped his head around to look for the perpetrator.

“Don't be ridiculous this a teens house party, with no alcohol and everybody knows everybody, they're all friends. We're hardly in a hostile environment! Besides, I haven't drank anything since arriving.” Izaya fanned himself with one hand and pursed his lips, watching Shizuo close his eyes and breathing deeply in an effort to calm himself. Izaya smirked, “though I have to say I'm pleased with the change, just a few days ago you saying you would never kill for me!”

Shizuo clicked his tongue, “don't read too much into it, flea. Sit down, I'll get you some water.” 

Izaya didn't do as he was asked, once Shizuo was out of sight Izaya slipped out of the   
room and headed for the front door, knowing Shizuo would come and find him once he realised Izaya was missing from the party.

The fresh air was a welcomed change to the stuffy inside of Kyohei's apartment, Izaya breathed in long gasps of air and felt the chill sting his lungs as his lips curled into a smile. It had snowed over the last couple of days, and patches still remained on the ground and on the tops of fences, illuminating what would usually be a fairly dark end of town at this time of night, with only the few street lamps to light the path, and no main roads for cars to drive down. 

Izaya stepped away from the door and crossed the road to sit on the bench a little way down the street. 

“It's a good thing Shinra saw you leave. Idiot, you shouldn't sit out here on your own!” Shizuo had appeared, slamming Kyohei's door shut behind him and storming across the road towards Izaya, complete with a large glass of water. 

The blond dropped down next to Izaya on the bench, it creaking slightly under his sudden weight. He handed the glass to the raven, who sipped slowly simply as a way of showing his gratitude, albeit not feeling very thirsty.

“So who was that girl?” Izaya spoke quietly when he had finally worked up the courage to ask. 

“Huh?”

“The one you were talking to inside. She put her hand on your arm, that's a classic first move, you know,” Izaya put on a grin but it must of looked as weak as it felt, as the expression Shizuo wore appeared to be a perplexed one. 

“Uh, no idea, one of Shinra's biology buddies, I think.”

“Ah...” Izaya's heart swelled, but he didn't let it show. 

There was the sound of cats scrapping down an alley, and the murmur of busy traffic somewhere in the distance, but mostly it was peaceful. Shizuo was playing with a lump of snow he had gathered in his hand from the back of the bench, building a mini snowman in his palm. 

Izaya watched, but his thoughts were elsewhere, the world around him becoming like static as he sunk into his own thoughts. 

Each and every day Shizuo became less and less of a monster, but he didn't strike Izaya has fully human either. It was as though Shizuo was becoming his own entity, somebody that stood out from the rest of the world but not in a negative way, but more like something that shone even in the darkest night. 

Inwardly cringing, the raven wanted to throw the glass in his hands across the street to shatter, hoping that his heart would hurry up and do the same. He'd thought for so long that this was a crush that would go away after a few weeks. He'd laughed at himself, he'd even played with the idea of being with Shizuo just to see how exactly his body would react. But after a while, when his feelings were only growing stronger and the will to stand by Shizuo's side began to outweigh anything else that Izaya desired, it was becoming evident that this was more than just fleeting lust.

Izaya glanced at Shizuo through the corner of his eye. His blond hair that seemed to shine with the light of the night sky, fell gracefully over his cheek bones, the structure in his face was really quite something, it was sharp and soft at the same time, remaining youthful yet giving him an intimidating edge, and his skin looked incredibly soft. His eyes were a light amber that glistened just the same as the jewel, and when they weren't narrow and pierced with rage, they appeared gentle, wise and comforting. The tip of his tongue just visible over his bottom lip as he concentrated on the little man of snow he was still building, as though it was the most important task in the world.

No, this man was not a monster. Though he was not human either, but that didn't mean Izaya didn't love him. Izaya loved his humans as a whole, as a collective group where no single one would gain more or less of his affections. The fact that Shizuo was not a human in Izaya's eyes meant that Izaya could love him in a way that wasn't just obsessive or platonic. 

But even so, now that he had fully accepted that he was in love with Shizuo, what good did it do? What chance did he stand? Was Izaya destined for a lifetime of pining and heartache? Shizuo was handsome, he was smart and he now that he was becoming better at controlling his rage there was no telling how far he could go in life. Izaya would only serve to enrage him and drag him into the underbelly of the city without even a hint of remorse, because life was only fun when things were dangerous. Shizuo could leave this place and start again, he could meet somebody, a person much better than Izaya. In fact, he deserved somebody better than Izaya. The raven's stomach twisted and he felt something hot sting in his eyes. 

“Oi, Shizu-chan... I'm the real monster, aren't I?” Izaya bowed his head. 

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“You and Celty never chose to be who are, you just want to fit right in and live normal, happy lives, surrounded by people that genuinely love you, by people you deserve to be with. But I am normal, I could live a happy life, but I don't want that, and I will go against it kicking and screaming for the rest of my days until I get what I want. I fashioned myself this way because I wanted to be different. So doesn't that make me the real monster?”

“You say you choose to be this way, Izaya, but I don't think you do. Not really. It was just awakened one day. You realised what you wanted, and so you chased it. If anything, you're just a very passionate, determined guy. Hell, if that makes you a monster then I'm afraid to ask what I really am.” Shizuo chortled, popping the newly built snowman in the space between himself and Izaya. 

“Do you think I deserve love?”

“What? Of course I do.” Shizuo grunted, shifting a little in his seat as though the topic of love intimidated him, though Izaya could understand why it might. “Don't be so hard on yourself all the time. You've had a bumpy start, but I bet you could become a better person.”

“What if I don't want to become a better person?”

“Well... okay, I would at least try, because I try everyday. But still there's always going to be somebody who will love you, whatever you do, whoever you hurt, whatever path you choose to walk down, somebody is gonna look at you and think you're worth the world.” Shizuo gave Izaya a wry smile, “my mother said that to me.”

“Ah...” Izaya nodded, finding it endearing that Shizuo held on to his mothers words so fiercely, and was so ready to pass them on to others he felt were in need of hearing them.

Izaya wrung his hands around each other, the words he had wanted to say for weeks suddenly on the tip of his tongue thanks to how kind and beautiful Shizuo was currently was being. Why was Shizuo so soft and understanding? If only Shizuo had lived up to Izaya's expectations then he wouldn't be in this situation right now. With heart hammering in his chest furiously, Izaya opened his mouth -

“Shizuo, I -”

“I know you're thinking kind of low of yourself right now, but I'm sort of jealous of the restraint you show. You can be so calm and collected all the time, even if something is tearing you up inside you don't show it, that's not what a monster does. And I'm just in the background destroying a building because somebody used a nickname for me that I don't like...” Shizuo scuffed at the ground with his shoe, talking over Izaya before he got past the second word. The blond looked up and smiled. “I've been pretty good though lately, haven't I?”

“U-um yeah. I hardly notice the animal in you these days.” Izaya forced a laugh that sounded weird even to his ears. But it was true, when was the last time Shizuo had even raised his voice?

“You're not a bad guy, you just have strange hobbies and make even stranger decisions. But look, you bring out the best in me.”

“Shizu-chan really sees the good in everybody, doesn't he?”

Shizuo shook his head, his hair bouncing with the movement and reflecting the light of the moon. “Not at all, only in my friends, and you're my very best. I'm really glad we became friends, Izaya.”

“Wow, did Shinra put something in your drink?” Izaya looked away, feeling that he would blush if he were to meet Shizuo's eyes now. 

“Ha, no,” Shizuo chuckled, putting his arm around Izaya's shoulders and turning his gaze to the sky, “I've just been thinking. I was always so scared that I would never have real friends, or people in my life that loved me because they wanted to, and not because they had to like my parents. I was terrified I'd end up hurting anybody that got close to me, or they'd find out what I am and leave. But you're different Izaya, you know exactly who I am and what I can do and you're still here, and not because you have to be.”

“Gross, Shizu-chan,” Izaya freed himself Shizuo's arm and pulled a tongue in mock disgust, despite how much his heart had warmed at Shizuo's words. 

“Yeah... sorry...” Shizuo scratched the back of his neck and winced, a blush creeping to the tip of his cheeks. “Shall we... go back inside?”

Izaya nodded and they silently made their way back into the party, there was no need for anymore words. Shizuo didn't hear it from Izaya to know that he was just as grateful to have Shizuo as his friend and no longer his rival. 

The heat hit them as though they were stepping out into the midday sun on a hot summers day, Shizuo headed straight for the kitchen to get them some more drinks and Izaya threw himself back into the thick of it to find a new place to hold up, making sure to stay in plain sight so that Shizuo would be able to spot him right away. It was probably a little pathetic, how desperate he was for the blond's attention, but he always had their strong friendship that Shizuo had spoken so fondly of as an excuse to fall back on. 

Shinra came bounding over, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and a giddy expression on his face. Izaya grimaced at the smirk on the boys lips; a smirk like that usually did not bode well for those around Shinra. 

“Where did you two go?”

“I wanted some fresh air,” Izaya replied with a sniff, remaining nonchalant despite what his friend was clearly hinting towards. “Shizu-chan was kind enough to bring me some water, he's already proving to be a better friend than you.”

“A little harsh, Izaya. Or maybe it's something different? Something deeper?” The brunet wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“What on Earth are you blabbering on about now, Shinra?” Izaya sighed, moving away from the glasses clad boy, who followed him with a giggle falling from his lips. “We're not all massive perverts, like yourself.”

“Oh come on, you can tell me -”

“Shinra, give it a rest,” Izaya snapped, and the brunet's expression faded into a frown, he shook his head with a heavy sigh and disappeared back into the crowd. 

Shinra would speculate, Shinra would have his theories and ideas, but he would never know the truth. The problem with have a hopeless romantic as a friend is that they seemed to find love in anything and everything, even, and often, in places that it didn't exist. Izaya would be quick to deny any allegations Shinra might make in the future, too, even if he was right on the mark.

Honestly, Izaya was about ready to leave, he'd had enough already and was regretting leaving his house to trudge through the snow to get here in the first place; his feet were still soggy now. Shizuo reappeared at his side with a smile that disappeared the moment Izaya said he wanted to go home. 

“Well you should thank Kyohei for inviting you before you leave.”

“Yes, yes,” Izaya waved his hand in a dismissive manner, “Shizu-chan, one more thing, it's about what you said outside.” Shizuo's head titled to the side curiously. “I'm really glad we're friends too.” 

Without giving Shizuo much of an opportunity to respond, Izaya left quickly. It wasn't what he wanted to say, but it was certainly something that needed to be said. He _was_ thankful for Shizuo's friendship after all, and it was only fair the voiced this, just in case Shizuo started to feel it was all one sided. 

So he hadn't been able to confess, but that wasn't a problem right now. Shizuo had made things embarrassing enough all by himself and frankly Izaya failed to see why he should contribute to the situation. Izaya couldn't stop his smile at Shizuo's words as he recounted them over and over to himself in his head on the walk home, pulling his coat up to his eyes to hide the blushing of his cheeks that wasn't from the bitter bite of the cold air.

Maybe hoping for Shizuo to return his feelings someday wasn't so far-fetched after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy I got this done quick, only two chapters left! Thank you for reading so far!


	9. Chapter 9

“Remember the Valentines Day I proposed to you?”

[Which one?]

“Ha ha, Celty! That hurts. I still cry over all of your rejections!” Shinra held a hand to his chest as though he was in pain, and he pouted at his girlfriend, to which she gingerly patted his shoulder. “I meant my last year of high school.”

[I remember, of course I do. Why?]

“I think that day is another great example to prove my theory is correct! My Shizuo and Izaya theory, I mean. So thinking back on everything I've told you, you'll know they were pretty close by this point, closer than I had ever been to either of them. They were inseparable, really.”

Celty made herself comfortable in the kitchen chair. These stories had become somewhat of a morning ritual for them by now, and honestly she enjoyed watching Shinra get so engrossed in his own storytelling. It had become apparent to Celty that Shinra's idea of Shizuo and Izaya once being in a relationship wasn't just a one time thought that had recently resurfaced, but rather a thought he had given a lot of time to, in fact it seemed he had spent years spying on them for the self satisfaction of finding out his suspicions were right. 

[Okay, I'm listening.]

“Well you see, it was that day that things began to change...”

-x-

It was Valentines Day of their senior year of high school. One of the many days of the year that Shizuo loathed; it was a harsh reminder than there would never be anybody he would be allowed to love with no holding back, there would no diving in head first and getting caught up in the excitement of finding somebody perfect. Not only because he was a monster that nobody would dare approach, but because the thought of hurting somebody terrified him to his very core, and he would not allow himself to be the reason somebody that loved him was put in hospital, or worse.

For Shinra, however, it was the most romantic day of the year, and it had to be perfect in every way, of course. The brunet would come into school with twinkling eyes and blushing cheeks, and would wear the dumbest smile Shizuo had ever seen him wear all day long whilst bringing up Celty in any conversation the moment he was given the chance to. If anybody asked him if he got a valentines card, his expression would turn, he would stare at them, aghast and offended, and tell him his only valentines was waiting at home for him, and that he had no time for anybody in school or elsewhere. 

So the answer was no, Shinra did not receive a valentine, from nobody in school, and not from Celty either, no matter how much he wished that Celty would give him one. It would have been funny if he wasn't so downright pathetic and creepy about it. But at least he's happy, that was what Shizuo thought.

That morning, Shizuo waited in the club room for Izaya, the raven had messaged him earlier that morning and asked for Shizuo to meet him ahead of classes. It wasn't unusual for Izaya to want to meet in private, but these private meetings would usually leave Shizuo irritated, as it was during these that Izaya would try and drag him into one of his schemes. But despite this, Shizuo had agreed to meet with him, at least he would be able to try and stop Izaya doing something reckless. 

Shizuo had only been waiting for fifteen minutes, his nose buried in a book and his feet resting on the empty chair next to him, when Izaya pulled open the door and bounded into the room. No matter how often Shizuo was exposed to it these days, Izaya's vibrant personality was difficult to handle in the early hours of the day and it took a lot for Shizuo to not groan and drop his forehead against the table. 

“Good morning, Shizu-chan!”

“Is it?” Shizuo grumbled, “just another cold, dreary morning, if you ask me.”

Izaya smirked, “well Shizu-chan is particularly cold and dreary this morning, if you ask me.”

“Valentines Day.”

“Ah.” 

Shizuo needn't say more, Izaya understood that the blond had a terrible fear of love, and what he could do to somebody if they were to ever love him. 

“So no big Valentines Day plans, Shizu-chan?” Izaya asked loftily, a strange tone to his voice, catching Shizuo's attention. 

The blond peeked his eyes over the top of his book and narrowed them, “why do you ask? What's it to you?”

“I'm just curious.”

“Nope, nothing in mind, _nobody_ in mind,” Shizuo said with a shrug, omitting his thoughts of not really needing anybody like that in his life right now, not whilst he had Izaya's friendship at least. It felt stupid to admit, a little crazy in fact, but Izaya's friendship was all he needed for the time being.

Shizuo returned his attention back to his book, so this was just another of Izaya's weird games. The raven was too inquisitive for his own good sometimes, and Shizuo wished he would stop sticking his nose into business that wasn't his own. Shizuo still struggled with accepting the nosy side of Izaya, at first he thought that maybe with a good group of friends Izaya would straighten out. But Shizuo understood now that with or without friends, Izaya was still going to be his abnormal self, and that his warped personality was going no where. So Izaya's hobby was observing humans, there were worst things, so Shizuo was happy to ignore this and let it slide so long as the raven didn't get himself or Shizuo into trouble. 

“What do you think makes for a great romantic gesture, Shizu-chan?”

“Haven't you asked me that before?”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, you did, you asked me at Christmas. Remember? When Shinra was gawking over rings.” Shizuo sighed, was Izaya choosing to forget that he asked that in favour of bringing up a topic he wanted to talk about? 

“Oh yeah, I guess I did. Sorry.” Izaya fell silent, Shizuo watched him for a while, expecting him to break into a speech about romance and the way it effected humans, but the raven remained silent. 

The sound of the ticking clock and Shizuo flicking the pages of his book were the only sounds in the room for a while. It was unusual for Izaya to be quiet for this long, but Shizuo wasn't about to question it and disturb the peace. There was a time when a silence like this shared with Izaya would be horribly uncomfortable, or end in one of them heading off to the nurses office to be patched up. Now, Shizuo revelled in them. Being able to sit in a comfortable quietness with a person whom you felt so close with that words were often unneeded, was the exact sort of friendship Shizuo had longed for all his life.

He had just never expected Izaya to ever become that friend.

“You want to know what I think is romantic?” Izaya spoke all of a sudden, though his voice barely louder than a murmur.

Shizuo hummed, his complete focus still on the book in his hands, hardly hearing Izaya's words at all.

“I think... um, that spending Christmas Eve dying your best friends hair is pretty romantic, don't you, Shizu-chan?”

“Hmm yeah... wait, what?” Shizuo's eyes snapped up from his book, a bubble of laughter rising in his chest and he almost burst into half amused, half shocked chuckles, because Izaya was obviously joking, right? There was nothing romantic about helping a friend out, right?

But something held the laughter inside of him, and Shizuo's lips stayed firmly shut as he watched Izaya curiously, his head slowly tilting to the side. Izaya was wearing a strange expression that Shizuo had never seen before. Izaya's teeth were barely visible under his top lip as he gnawed on the lower, his fingers wrung around one another on the table, suggesting he was nervous. But the steely, determined glint in his carmine eyes as they caught Shizuo's whiskey shot, protuberant gaze, and held their contact fiercely, could only imply that he was a million miles away from being anxious or anything of the sort.

But then he spoke, and his voice shook, and the laughter completely ebbed away in Shizuo's stomach as the bubble inside of him turned to lead, the younger of the two realising that this was no joke at all.

“Christmas Eve is the time for lovers, after all! I mean, there was even food. Don't couples usually go out for meals on Christmas Eve? Don't you think? Well, what about sitting up all night talking, just talking, that's romantic, isn't it?”

“Uh...” Shizuo felt the heat creeping up his neck and suddenly he didn't know where to look, but it was hard to take his eyes away from the carmine gaze that was boring into him imploringly.

“Running across the city to calm you down after you hear your parents threaten to get a divorce, that's... nice, right? That's romantic? The sort of thing a... b-boyfriend would do, maybe. I mean, I was almost home, Shizu-chan, I could see my house. It was cold, but I came still, didn't I?”

A heavy, suffocating silence pressed around Shizuo from all angles as Izaya turned his face away and stared at the ground. The room felt hot, his top button felt too tight and Shizuo felt his entire body tense as Izaya's words rang in his ears like the chiming bells of a church, loud and abrasive, yet somehow pleasant. It was only when he began to feel dizzy that Shizuo realised he hadn't taken a breath in a while. Breathing in deeply, shakily, Shizuo placed his book on the table and cleared his throat. 

“Izaya... are you joking? what are you saying?”

“Don't make me say it again,” Izaya snapped, grimacing. “You know what I'm saying! You're not that stupid! This is hard enough so please don't make it harder!”

“I – I don't... I'm not...” Shizuo felt a lump in his throat, honestly he was unsure of how he was feeling right at this moment, his mind was scattered like a jigsaw puzzle that had been thrown into the air and allowed to drop in a haphazard array. Shocked, flattered, embarrassed, all these words sprung to mind but for some reason they didn't feel right, as though they didn't convey exactly what it was that was making Shizuo's heart squeeze this way. 

Izaya liked him. Izaya had said the word boyfriend. Shizuo was at a complete loss for words, and this moment felt surreal. This wasn't one of Izaya's jokes was it? Or perhaps it was part of some scheme? The look on his face was enough to prove Shizuo's speculations wrong. 

This was real, Izaya was serious, and he was expecting an answer. 

Shizuo had never had to reject somebody before, he had never even had to think about it, and he never imagined that one day he would ever have to. Especially not Izaya. Never Izaya. 

“Look... uh, Izaya I... really? Are you sure?” Shizuo scratched his head, why did Izaya have to say this _now_? “I don't know... Izaya I... we're friends... really good friends...”

“That's fine!” Izaya spoke quickly, suddenly jumping to his feet, giving a laugh that sounded strangled and forced, “wow, look at me, I'm a mess! My hands are shaking... they're sweaty, ew...” he began wiping the palms of his hands against his thighs and continued his strange laughter. 

“Uh... can we talk? We should talk...” Shizuo started to rise to his feet too but Izaya held out the palm of his hand to silence him.

“I've got to meet somebody, I said I'd meet them soon so I should really go,” it was an obvious lie, but Izaya didn't seem to care that he was being so transparent and was clearly just very desperate to get as far away from Shizuo as possible. Shizuo couldn't blame him. The raven threw his bag onto his shoulder and bolted for the door, letting it fall shut behind him with a deafening clang that echoed around Shizuo as he sat in a stunned daze, the echoes falling to silence around him.

Shizuo's mind was slowly catching up with itself, picking up the pieces of the ideas of what kind of friendship they had that Izaya had managed to completely shatter with just a few sentences, forcing Shizuo to rethink everything. He couldn't quite wrap his head around the confession; how had they gone from enemies, from hating each others guts, to this? When Shizuo had proposed reconciling, this was not what he'd had in mind. 

“Hey, I just tried talking Izaya but he acted like he didn't even see me, he looked upset. Did something happen?” Shinra had come in, with Kyohei at his shoulder, both of them looking as equally as confused as Shizuo felt.

“No,” Shizuo shook his head, feeling numb, “well... I guess so...” 

“You didn't argue, did you?” Kyohei asked, taking a seat at the table and resting his chin on the palm of his hand. “I thought this weird friendship you had going was too good to last. Please try and hold back from throwing desks at him though.” 

“We didn't argue,” Shizuo mumbled, catching Shinra's eyes as he looked away from Kyohei's quizzical expression. “We're still friends. I think... I hope... I don't know. I feel weird.”

Shinra's lips slowly parted and he murmured a quite _oh_ as though somehow he had realised what had taken place before he and Kyohei had arrived. Shizuo said nothing, it was easier to let Shinra speculate, and besides the thought of discussing it made Shizuo feel nauseous. There was only one person he wanted to talk to right now, only one person he _should_ be talking to right now, only he had just sprinted from the room as though he never wanted to even look at Shizuo again. 

Shizuo swallowed hard, the lump in his throat refusing to budge and starting to choke him up a little and he felt his eyes turn glassy with the threat of tears. The thought of Izaya never talking to him again caused a terrible aching in his gut.

“Weird?” Kyohei repeated, raising an eyebrow. “What's going on with you two?” 

“Nothing. I need to talk to him,” Shizuo pushed his book into his bag and made to leave without another word. 

Izaya was no where to be seen, even when the bell for the start of lessons rang Shizuo continued his search. If Shizuo knew Izaya, there was no way the raven would attend his lessons. Izaya was more than happy to skip classes for instances even smaller than this. 

Then, Shizuo spotted him. The area was empty now, with every student at their desks and every teacher addressing their classes. Izaya was sat near the bike shed, his face buried in his knees and his arms hugging his legs. Shizuo hesitated for a moment, going over would definitely breech all of Izaya's walls and boundaries, and might only serve to make things worse than they already were. But there was no way Shizuo could leave something like this hanging in the air.

With a deep breath that only stirred his nauseous stomach like a spoon in a pot of soup, Shizuo cautiously approached his friend. He knelt before Izaya and affectionately rested a hand on Izaya's head. 

“Thank you.” 

“For what?” Izaya muttered. 

“For being the best friend I've ever had. I was thinking before you know, about how much I hate Valentines Day, but I thought this year it didn't matter as much. Because I have your friendship. I didn't want to tell you that because I was embarrassed, but I really want you to know that.”

“Good to know you feel like I'm such an embarrassment that anything you say pales in comparison.” Izaya spoke dully, his head was still hidden in his legs. 

“I didn't mean it like that!” Shizuo frowned, it was supposed to be a compliment, at least in Shizuo's head it had sounded better. “Sorry, I'm shit with words.”

“Yeah, you are shit with words, you're shit with most things, it's because monsters like you are thick, but we all try and put up with you out of pity.”

“Izaya...” Shizuo sighed, understanding that Izaya's insults were empty, his instinctive defence mechanisms were clearly kicking it now, so it was better for Shizuo to take anything Izaya said now with a pinch of salt. 

“I really hate you, you know? You're just a beast pretending to be human, and I hate that so much. I should never have opened my mouth to you, or tried to be your friend. Monsters deserve to be alone.”

Shizuo sat himself down on the grass, crossing his legs as Izaya muttered on and on, Shizuo choosing to tune most of his words out until he was calm enough to have a rational conversation.

The bell rang again for the start of a new lesson, and Shizuo realised they had been sat outside here for sometime, but Izaya hadn't moved an inch and didn't seem eager to any time soon. Before they knew it, it was lunch time, but neither of them felt much like eating. 

Suddenly, Izaya got to his feet and picked up his bag without a word, and headed towards the school building. 

Shizuo almost got up himself, he almost called out after Izaya, but something told him it was better to leave Izaya alone for a while. They'd been sitting out here for hours without Izaya even uttering a peep for the majority of that time, he clearly was in no mood to talk. 

Now Shizuo would wait, and he would hope that Izaya wasn't about to walk out on their friendship because of this. Shizuo had no idea what he was feeling, he had no idea how he was so supposed to be feeling, but he knew that whatever Izaya was going through was going to be hell of a lot worse. A boy that usually was so reserved in his emotions and feelings, never opening up to anybody, finally working up the courage to reach out and be honest only to be rejection and have it shoved back in his face. 

It was no surprise that Izaya wanted to get away from Shizuo, Shizuo could only hope that his getting away wasn't going to last long. 

-x-

Taking his seat at his desk felt like he was willingly taking his first few steps into hell, welcoming the searing hot flames that would lick at his skin painfully for the rest of the afternoon with open arms. Shizuo could feel Izaya's eyes boring into the back of his head, and the heat in his cheeks burned through his skin, giving him the look of somebody that had sat in the sun for too long. 

For the past few months, spinning in his seat to whisper to Izaya, or pass notes, had become the regular thing that made class more bearable, having Izaya at such close proximity had felt nice, as though for the first time in his life Shizuo had a friend that knew all of his flaws, and hadn't turned their back on him or ran screaming in fear. Izaya was the only one who could stand toe to toe with him, he was the only one who had managed to calm Shizuo down, Izaya was the only one who had shone a light on Shizuo's dark parts, saw everything Shizuo was and intended to become, and still stuck around without question. 

Shizuo had never considered their feelings for one another may run deeper than just the feelings shared by best friends. Looking back, it still didn't feel like anything they had done together was wrong, or that they had grown too close. Everything had felt so natural, so right. Shizuo's heart was aching, he had spent so long criticising Izaya on his shitty friendship skills that he failed to notice he had none himself, he had no idea what the difference was between friendship and love and kindness and romantic gestures. Had Izaya been giving him hints all this time? And had they all gone over Shizuo's head? Shizuo didn't know a lot, about Izaya's feelings, or his own feelings, or even what this was going to do to them, all he knew was that he did not want to lose Izaya. 

Inhaling deeply and holding his breath, Shizuo glanced over his shoulder to see a Izaya staring dumbly at a the blank piece of paper on his desk, an uncharacteristic frown on his lips and a faraway look in his eyes. A sting of guilt stabbed the pit of Shizuo's stomach and he quickly averted his gaze before Izaya had a chance to catch him.

Shizuo tore a small scrap of paper from the back of his work book and scribbled a note on it before lightly throwing it over his shoulder. A soft sound told him that it had landed on Izaya's desk. A few moments later there was a sound of crumpled paper being unravelled and then a small snigger. 

'Shinra is planning to propose to Celty again tonight, wanna go watch?'

-x-

It was late now, the street lights throwing the long shadows of the commuters that made their away home across the pavements, and up the walls of the buildings. It was still cold out, though not quite cold enough for hats and scarves, and more people were happier to walk along the streets instead of hopping in and out of taxis. Izaya was amongst the crowd that had decided to make their journey home on foot. 

After several hours laughing at Shinra's pathetic attempts to win Celty's heart, the headless rider had grown tired of Izaya and Shizuo's teasing and ushered them out of the apartment. Izaya was privately glad for the excuse to get away. Shizuo had offered to walk with him a bit of the way, but Izaya had adamantly refused. They parted ways with a smile and a wave, and Izaya watched, his expression turning glum, as Shizuo went cheerily on his way.

Izaya was genuinely grateful that Shizuo was still striving to be so kind, despite the absolute disaster that was Izaya's recent revelation. 

But yet... 

There was a terrible sensation that coiled itself around Izaya's stomach, like a python that was poisoning his mind and body with dangerous thoughts and feelings. 

Why hadn't Shizuo said anything more than push the idea of their strong friendship? Why was he ignoring Izaya's feelings? At this point, a flat out rejection would have been kinder. Izaya wished Shizuo would have laughed at him, told him no to his face, Izaya would at least know where he stood then, and would be able to understand, at least a little, Shizuo's thoughts on this. 

But Shizuo was staying silent, acting as though Izaya had never opened up to him at all. It stung. Maybe it was because the blond didn't want to hurt Izaya, but at least showing an understanding of how difficult it had been for Izaya to be honest, that would have been the kinder route for Shizuo to take.

This was worse, this was way worse than a rejection. Shizuo was actively choosing to dismiss Izaya's feelings. It had taken so long for Izaya to lower his guard, he had spent weeks and weeks preparing himself to let Shizuo in, and before he was ready Shizuo had come barging through like a bull in China shop and shattered whatever walls Izaya had remaining. And now Shizuo wasn't sticking around to pick up the pieces, or even apologise for the mess he had caused. 

Izaya felt raw and exposed, a lump in his throat catching his breath and making it hard to breathe. He wanted to cry and scream and throw things, until somebody turned around and acknowledged his pain. Until somebody showed him they cared.

_Hah, his beastliness is even rubbing off on me now... disgusting._

Taking a sharp left down a narrow alley, Izaya walked quickly until he was shrouded in the shadows and out of sight of the crowds of people hurrying along the main street a few yards away. Izaya slipped down the wall and slumped into his knees again, this time unable to hold back the sobs that had been scratching at his throat since that morning. 

_This is why you love humans, idiot. Don't waste your time on monsters like him. Don't waste your time on anybody._

Izaya's body trembled with his erratic breathing, the pain he had been holding on to all day cascading from his eyes and dropping onto his school uniform, staining the fabric darker with every drop. 

Why couldn't Shizuo just love him back?

-x-

 

“I would bet my love for you that Shizuo confessed to Izaya that day!” Shinra blurted excitedly, practically jumping up and down in his seat, “yes! It all makes sense, Celty!”

[Hold on, hold on! If you're right – and I'm not saying that you are – why would Izaya be the one storming off?]

Shinra caught himself mid-jump, as the confusion set in. He lowered himself back onto the couch gently and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. 

“You have a point.”

[Maybe you're just reading too much into this, and it was just an argument. Maybe that was the start of their friendship coming to an end.]

“Maybe... or maybe I have grossly underestimated our local information broker,” Shinra punctuated the end of his sentence with a wink. “What if Izaya faced his fears and did confess? But Shizuo didn't return his feelings! Wouldn't that be a good enough reason for Izaya to want to end their friendship? They were friends for a while after that day, but I suppose something like that would take its toll. What if Izaya couldn't handle his precious Shizu-chan returning his love?!”

[You're so delusional.]

“But Celty, Celty! _What if_?!”

What if, indeed? Celty thought to herself as her boyfriend slipped into another one of his excited, wildly exaggerated tangents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah I just wanna give a huge thanks and finger guns to everybody that has commented and left kudos, you guys are the real mvp's
> 
> woot wooooot, almost finished, thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

Shizuo spent the next few days in a bit of a stupor. It was easy to slip back into their routine and behave as they had been for the past few months whenever he was around Izaya, and neither of them mentioned what had taken place in the club room again. The only time Shizuo was able to think rationally, however, was when they weren't together. 

_It's not a big deal. It's nothing. It's a stupid crush, Izaya will get over it. He's probably just overwhelmed by being close with somebody, that's all it is._

But the moment Shizuo was back in Izaya's company he was given an instant, very harsh reminder of the raven's confession, like taking a sudden wasp sting to his chest, and his legs would turn to jelly as though he had somehow travelled back in time to the moment those words had left Izaya's mouth. Whenever Izaya smiled in his direction, or laughed at one of his jokes, it was all Shizuo was able to think about. It was hard that there was nobody to talk to about his thoughts on this, it was even harder that there was nobody to talk to about his feelings either. 

Shizuo had thought about bringing it up with Kasuka, but on every occasion he had he had struck up a conversation about love or a topic close to it with his brother, Shizuo ended up back pedalling out of the subject before he managed to bring up Izaya, feeling that this was something better kept private. Another worry Shizuo had that made his stomach turn uneasily, was what would come of having this talk with Kasuka. What if he spoke to Kasuka and came to realise his true feelings? Whatever they were, Shizuo didn't feel ready to face them just yet, because either way the ending was not going to be pretty, he felt sure.

If he liked Izaya, he would have to confess too, and falling from a plane flying at thirty thousand feet appealed more to Shizuo than that; he was impressed that Izaya had ever been able to work up the courage to do it. If he didn't like Izaya, could he really continue this friendship if all he could think about was Izaya's confession? Their relationship was already beginning to show signs of wear, and the confession had become something of a wedge between them, slowly driving them further and further apart, and it was showing. 

Shinra and Kyohei had both questioned Shizuo on why he and Izaya were suddenly spending more time avoiding each others eyes and why their conversations were usually clipped short by Izaya's snapping tone or Shizuo's impatience. 

“You were joined at the hip,” Kyohei had sighed.

“Trouble in paradise?” Shinra had joked, narrowly avoiding a fist to the face from Shizuo.

Classes had transitioned from his place of learning to his place of deep, self questioning, thinking time. At lunch he was glad to be in Kyohei and Shinra's company as well as Izaya's, because at least then he was able to get away with not contributing to conversations, Shinra filling in enough talking time for all four of them, which gave Shizuo more thinking time. 

“Shizuo!” 

“Huh?”

“I said we're going to the vending machines,” Shinra frowned, “weren't you listening?”

“No, sorry,” Shizuo said bluntly, digging in his pocket for spare change and then handing it over to Kyohei, “can you get me some water?” 

“You seem kind of spacey lately,” Izaya noted quietly as soon as Shinra and Kyohei were out of ear shot. “Is that... are you okay?”

“I'm fine, just been thinking a lot,” Shizuo couldn't meet Izaya's eyes as he spoke, his stomach knotting tightly at the anticipation of something about Izaya's feelings being brought up, feeling as though both of them were treading on thin ice by talking alone together.

Izaya tapped the tips of his fingers against his thigh in a rhythmic beat, chewing the inside of his mouth. His lips parted every few moments, only to close again without even a squeak escaping them, and Shizuo wondered how many thoughts the raven was sifting through right now whilst he was trying to decide on the best of them to throw into the conversation. 

They were going to have to face the elephant in the room at some point, if they didn't soon Shizuo was sure Kyohei and Shinra would end up digging a little deeper and getting the root of the problem. Another worry Shizuo had that was headache inducing. 

“This is unavoidable,” Shizuo mumbled, “so please forgive me if I make things awkward.” Izaya stiffened, a tense ball bubbling around them both, neither of them prepared for what was coming next. “What is it... you feel? I'm so confused, I think we kind of just left things hanging back there, y'know?” 

“That's my fault.” 

“I know, but it's okay.”

Izaya raised an eyebrow in disbelief, a twisted smirk on his face.

“Okay, it's not okay. It was really not okay and I feel like something is eating my brain from thinking too much about this. Please, just explain it to me.” Shizuo pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a shaky breath of relief. It was over, he'd done it. 

Izaya looked around, the rest of the class were either too tied up in their own conversations or their lunches to even notice that Izaya and Shizuo were even stood at the back of the class, leaning against the cabinets. It certainly was weird no longer being the centre of attention, but it wasn't a bad thing, Izaya had found. 

“Okay, here it goes. I like you, Shizu-chan. I found it funny at first, so I humoured myself. I couldn't believe I was feeling... something so disgustingly _human_. I wanted to tell you ages ago but I never really knew how, and I thought it wasn't important, I thought it was just a crush that would go away. But it's not.” 

“It's not?” Shizuo was unable to keep the shock from his tone.

“I think...” then Izaya laughed at himself, cutting his own sentence off with a shake of his head, “never mind. But now you know, so don't waste so much time thinking about it, you'll burn out that protozoan brain of yours.” 

“But -”

“That was easier than last time. Actually, I feel better now. Thanks Shizu-chan!” Izaya gave Shizuo a pat on the shoulder before returning to his desk and pulling out his own lunch from his bag, turning his back on their conversation.

_Maybe he feels better, but I only feel worse._

_It's not just a crush._

_Then what is it?_

_What is it, Izaya?_

-x-

The weeks were rolling by quickly, the days meshing into one, the weekends behaving like a temporary saving grace that welcomed the exhausted senior students with the promise of a few days rest and what felt like a soft blanket and a sweet, warm drink. Everybody was hanging by their last tether, the end of the year pressures felt as though they grew heavier by the day. 

Izaya was one of the few that appeared to not be phased by the stress inducing work loads that were piled on top of them everyday. He spent most of his time staring out the window, trying his best to keep his eyes from straying to the back of a certain blond's head. 

They were forty minutes into a lesson and Shizuo had been idly writing for the entire time, pausing every few moments to doodle something in his notebook or to look around the classroom. 

Ever the procrastinator, after years of sitting behind Shizuo, Izaya had come to learn this. At first it had been annoying that Shizuo was so happy to squander his chances in life when Izaya knew he had everything within him to achieve a lot. Izaya had spent many hours wondering what it would be like to have a powerhouse like Shizuo working by his side – they could be unstoppable. But Izaya knew now that Shizuo had no big plans, no dreams. He wanted a peaceful, normal life, and _Izaya wanted him to have that_.

Izaya wondered if Shizuo was finding all of this worrying a little bit tedious too. They hadn't spoken one to one for a very long time, their conversations usually consisting of greetings and farewells; Izaya had no idea what was going on in Shizuo's head anymore.

It was interesting to watch the other students cracking under the pressure, one or two had already burst into tears at some point, and Shinra was a little shriller these days. But Izaya was somewhat glad to see Shizuo was as cool as ever, taking everything in his stride as usual. 

_What must it be like, to be like him?_

_He says that he cares about what people think, yet he still acts as though none of their opinions matter. He says that he hates violence, but he's ready to cause a fight if somebody simply looks at him the wrong way. He has strength that should, by rights, tear his body apart when he uses it, but there he is, right as rain._

_He's not a monster, but he's not human either._

_He says that we're friends, but when was the last time he even looked in my direction without a certain amount of pity in his eyes?_

_Shizuo is a walking contradiction. I hate that about him._

Izaya looked away from Shizuo's back and down at his blank sheet of paper that lay on his desk before him. When had he stopped caring? It wasn't that he was depressed, or that he was pining for Shizuo, it's that he was bored. He was bored of school, he was bored of his friends, he was bored of the lack of attention Shizuo was willing to give him. Gritting his teeth, Izaya began nibbling the end of his thumbnail in frustration. 

Why wouldn't Shizuo just _talk_ to him? 

Izaya missed Shizuo, he missed their talks and their bickering, he missed Shizuo's house – which he had decided to stop visiting after the embarrassing incident in the club room a couple of weeks earlier. They still spent time together, but never alone. Was Shizuo avoiding him? Or was he avoiding Shizuo? Izaya couldn't tell anymore. 

Maybe this was the way things were supposed to be, their friendship had been a long shot anyway, he had been sure of that from the very beginning. Where had the days of sharp knives, flying stop signs and animalistic yelling disappeared to? What if they had strayed so far from their real selves for the sake of this so called friendship, they'd gotten so lost that they would never make it back to who they were supposed to be? 

_Yes, that must be it. We're enemies. That's what we were always supposed to be. The moment he saw me, he hated me. As soon as I saw what he was capable of, I knew he would never be a part of my humans._

_We should give this up. We should stop pretending._

Shizuo twisted in his chair, a sweet smile on his face, unbeknown to the thoughts currently in Izaya's mind.

“My pen ran out, can I borrow on of yours?”

Izaya wordlessly pushed a pen into Shizuo's hand and watched the blond turn his back to him again.

_Dumb animal._

 

-x-

Over the next few weeks, Izaya had began phasing Shizuo out. Their greetings and farewells were barely even mumbled, and Izaya's lingering gaze was a thing of the past. The raven was more into his work and studying that ever, cutting whatever free time he had to spend with Kyohei, Shinra and Shizuo in half. 

Things only got worse. Shizuo became snappy and unpleasant to be around, but it was only because of the sleep he was losing, and that was only because of the hours he would spend lying awake when he should have been sleeping, staring at his ceiling and thinking about Izaya. 

Izaya, his first, closest, best friend. The friend who had opened up and confessed, who Shizuo had rejected, who was now felt so faraway it felt like they had never even been enemies, let alone friends.

What was troubling him most of all, was the end of the school year being almost on top of them. They had just one week left, and then it was all over. Who knew how often he would get to see Izaya after their school life was over. At least in school Shizuo had the chance to try and pull a conversation out of Izaya, but lately it felt like drawing blood from a stone, and that he'd had better luck getting words out of the street signs he was now pulling out of the grund almost every evening out of frustration and loneliness. 

After all, Shizuo was smart, but Izaya was a lot smarter. There was no doubt in Shizuo's mind that Izaya was going to excel in life, get a good job, maybe even get to leave the city and go on to work somewhere incredible, with great money, great travel opportunities, great new people... 

Shizuo groaned, rolling onto his side to get a look at the digital alarm clock on his bed side table. It was ticking up to four o'clock in the morning and the blond hadn't been able to catch a wink of sleep. He was reminded fondly of a time Izaya had agreed to meet him at four in the morning at a half way point. At the time it had felt nothing more than an exciting, teenage rebellious stunt, the sort that Shizuo would have spent his whole childhood pulling if only he'd had a friend like Izaya back then too.

But now, as the sound of the first morning birds tweeting at his window sill, the first rays of sun streaking across the sky in hues of pink and red illuminating Shizuo's bedroom in warm colours, it felt like some far flung dream of something that had happened with somebody Shizuo had long lost. Or, perhaps it had never even happened at all.

Izaya, their memories, the time they had spent together, it all felt like a dream now.

It was true that Izaya had distanced himself from Shizuo lately, and no matter how much Shizuo tried to squeeze himself back into Izaya's life, the further away Izaya seemed to run. So Shizuo's temper was at an all time low, and he wondered how close he was being pushed to his breaking point. A lot more gangs had been on the wrong end of his fists, it felt good to release his pent up rage on the people that tried to jump him, but as he washed his bloody knuckles in the sink at home, taking extra care to clean his wounds, the painful squeezing, like fingers around his heart, would return. 

Would the city survive him losing Izaya? Would he survive losing Izaya?

If this was what love felt like, then Shizuo didn't want to feel it, the constant agony of watching the person you cared about disappearing from your life, and the lingering dread for what was to come that hung over Shizuo and followed him like a black cloud, none of it felt remotely good, he couldn't understand why anybody would want this. All this time Shizuo had been scared of falling for somebody in case he hurt them, he hadn't considered the possibility that he could have been the one that would be on the suffering end. 

Shizuo felt like he had now entered the beginning of the end, and something ominous sat waiting to welcome him into a life of loneliness at the finish line – which just so happened to be exactly one week away. 

If he wanted to keep Izaya, he had to do something about it. The options were limited, and none of them were extremely appealing, especially considering that he stood a very good chance at being shot down and laughed at. 

The alarm rang, and Shizuo tiredly forced himself out of the warmth of his bed sheets, another sleepless night had passed by in memories of Izaya and the anxiety that threatened to relieve Shizuo of the food he had eaten the night before.

-x-

Upon walking through the gates his eyes fell on Izaya immediately, as though he had some sort of Izaya radar and was his subconscious was alerted to the flea's whereabouts before Shizuo could even sniff him out.

The raven was surrounded by a group of girls that Shizuo recognised to be the girls that often batted their eyelids in his direction, giggling like pre-teens when Izaya walked by. Shizuo was also sure that a couple of them had given Izaya Valentines this year too.

The weeks of restless nights and Izaya's loftiness, now coupled with the fact Izaya felt free to flirt with whomever he pleased suddenly felt as though they had conjoined to make one giant fist, and had punched Shizuo square in the stomach, bruising both his gut and his heart. His anger spilled over the edge, and he began to tremble.

“IZAYA!” Shizuo bellowed, throwing his school bag to the ground, the contents spilling across the yard. 

The students became as still as statues, all eyes suddenly on Shizuo and Izaya, waiting with baited breath for what was inevitably going to follow the battle cry that had been missing for such a long time. Their fights had been absent from the school grounds for so long that many of the students had forgotten the strong sense of foreboding that trickled down their spines at the sound of Shizuo calling Izaya's name that way.

A confused expression marred the raven's features, and it took him a moment to realise it was time to run when Shizuo began charging towards him at full speed. Izaya wasn't as fast as he usually was, perhaps it was because he had been caught off guard, or perhaps it was because he just wasn't used to running from Shizuo anymore. 

“Losing your touch, flea,” Shizuo panted as he managed to take hold of the back of Izaya's shirt and pull him to a halt.

“What the _hell_ Shizuo?” Izaya demanded, panting slightly. “I thought we were past this childish -”

Shizuo started dragging Izaya to a more secluded area of the school, and Izaya knew better than to try and fight against Shizuo, it would probably end up in his uniform being ripped to shreds. Once out of view and totally alone, Shizuo slammed Izaya up against the wall, the raven coughing out a spluttered gasp of intelligible words. Shizuo held Izaya in place, elevated from the ground, his back against the wall, with one hand pressed firmly against his one of the smaller boys shoulders.

“S-Shizu-chan!” Izaya stammered, his back stinging from the impact. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

“What's the matter with me? What's the matter with you?!”

“What are you talking about?!” Izaya spat, kicking his legs out in an attempt to knock Shizuo backwards, but the blond could barely feel the heels of Izaya's shoes dug into his thighs and stomach.

“First you tell me you like me! Then imply... that it might be more than that! Then you push me away! Then I come into school to see you chatting up some girls! YOU CAN'T IMPLY YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME AND THEN DO SHIT LIKE THIS!” Shizuo hadn't meant to shout, he hadn't meant to say those words, but the anger inside him was taking over his muscles quickly and he knew that if he didn't calm down soon he would end up putting Izaya's head through the wall he was held up against. It was better to shout than to punch.

“You selfish piece of shit, Shizu-chan! You told me you weren't interested, so I was doing myself a favour by getting away from -”

“I'm selfish? I'M SELFISH? Tell me Izaya, did it ever cross your mind to stop and consider my feelings at all? DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK ABOUT THAT EVEN ONCE? You never ask! YOU NEVER ASK!” 

Shizuo let go of Izaya's shoulder and let him drop to the floor. Pushing the palms of his hands into his eyes Shizuo groaned loudly and began pacing back and forth. Was he really going to admit this out loud? Was he really going to do it in this terrible way? Izaya already felt like he was the other side of the world, was there any point in saying it? At this point, was there anything even worth pulling back from the sea that Izaya had floated away on? Shizuo had barely allowed him to accept his feelings himself, he still had time to back out and run away, to let Izaya drift away for good.

With a deep breath, Shizuo readied himself to announce that he was going to leave when he felt a warm hand take hold of his and pull them away from his face. 

“Well then, tell me now, how do you feel, Shizuo?” Izaya asked simply. “What do you feel for me?”

“I hate you for doing this to me! For fucking with my head and then walking away like I never mattered! But I still don't want to lose you, because you're my best friend,” Shizuo took in a shaky breath, he put his hands around Izaya's face and forced the raven to look him in directly in the eyes, they were so close Shizuo could see each of Izaya's lashes, and the shadows under his carmine eyes, “and I like you, okay? I like you a lot.”

That was good enough for Izaya, he took hold of Shizuo's shirt and at the same time they brought their faces closer together, their lips crashing into what should have been a messy kiss, but Shizuo was tentative, his kiss barely there at all. It was so soft that Izaya had to keep his eyes open to know it was definitely Shizuo he was kissing. 

“You can definitely do better than that,” Izaya whispered, his voice low and seductive, his long lashes batting slowly. 

Shizuo didn't need telling twice, with minimal effort he hoisted Izaya off the ground so that he was free to wrap his legs around Shizuo's body, their bodies pressing together tightly. Shizuo pressed Izaya's back against the wall again, but this time there was no gasps of pain, and Izaya was scrabbling for more, deeper, hotter kisses instead of trying to get free. 

Shizuo had never done this before, he had barely held hands with another person without holding it too loose, but somehow he knew what to do, he knew how much pressure Izaya would be able to take, he knew exactly how much pressure he would _like_ to take. This was assured to him whenever he heard Izaya moan in approval, or whisper something that sounded like _more_. Izaya's thighs tightened around Shizuo's waist and Shizuo could feel himself growing flustered as their make out grew steamier. 

“We need to stop,” he panted, breaking their kiss suddenly, and Izaya hissed in disapproval. 

“Why?”

“We're at school,” Shizuo said incredulously, “take a look around, we're hardly hidden. Anybody could see us...”

Izaya grumbled incoherently, removing his legs from around Shizuo, and the blond missed his heat already. They stood apart, Izaya straightened up his uniform before looking in Shizuo's direction. 

“Well I'm glad you finally saw the light.”

“Shut up, dammit,” Shizuo said, but his lips stretched into a smile and he gently wrapped Izaya in a tight embrace, “I miss you, please don't push me away anymore, please come back. I feel like you're disappearing and I don't like it.”

Izaya laughed, Shizuo knew he wasn't the type of person to enjoy a cuddle, especially in a public place, but he was surprised when he felt Izaya's arms coil around his back and squeeze. 

“I'm sorry.”

“I'm sorry too, I should have realised sooner...”

“Realised that I'm the only person in the entire world you would want to share your bed with? Your food? Your future?” Izaya smirked, leaning out of the hug to look at Shizuo's face, “all that time I spent turning up at your house with food and hair dye, and I was the one that had to confess first. How irritating. I was hoping for some grand ceremony where you broke into song, maybe you would have choreographed a dance with Shinra and Dotachin, too.”

“Could you really see me doing something like that?” Shizuo asked with a laugh, the image of Izaya's fantasy was honestly horrific, but he had to hand it the man for his creativity. 

“No, but a guy can dream.” 

Shizuo chuckled again, and bent down to bump their foreheads together; there were no words to describe how much he had missed Izaya's closeness. The way his skin always felt cool and refreshing when he brushed his fingers of Shizuo's hand or face, his hair that was so light it danced with even the lightest of breezes, blowing the gentle scent of which ever fruity shampoo Izaya had used last into Shizuo's nose. His toothy grin that looked like an innocent mix of cheeky and childish, but was usually saved for the times when the raven was at his most mischievous. 

And how Izaya held him. It had always been the same, Izaya would curl his fingers around the folds of Shizuo's clothes and forge a grip so tight it was as though he would never let go. 

“Please never change.” Shizuo had dipped his head now, hoping his hair would hide his reddening face. 

But Izaya leaned closer to peek, and to press his lips lightly to Shizuo's once more.

“You're stuck with me now, Shizu-chan.” 

The school yard was empty now, with most students already at their desks in their classrooms, Shizuo and Izaya went to pick up the bags they had dropped before their chase had begun and made their way to class. 

“So uh... we're...?”

“Boyfriends. Partners in crime. Together. Yeah, I think so, don't you?” Izaya grinned. 

“Yeah,” Shizuo chuckled, taking hold of Izaya's hand without hesitation as they walked. It was nice that the hallways were empty, that nobody could see this blatant crime against nature, like a cat and a dog in love. “Uh, maybe this should be our secret though.” 

“Ah, ashamed of me already?” Izaya said, but there was no hurt in his tone. 

“I just think it will be a lot for people to take. Look how long it took them to get used to us being friends. I don't think I would keep my cool if they hounded us over it.”

“You have a point. It's a shame, I would love to see what they'd say.” Izaya was practically skipping at Shizuo's side, his fingers locked tightly in Shizuo's refusing to let go, refusing to let Shizuo hold him loosely, refusing to break their connection. “I bet they'd be scared of us. Imagine what we could do, if you were more like me.” 

“Imagine what we could do if you were more like me,” the idea of a person like Izaya with Shizuo's strength was a scary thought, even to Shizuo. 

They grinned at each other, trying to keep their giddy laughter quiet so not to attract the attention of the students and teachers in the classrooms they were passing. 

-x-

“That was the day it started again. People say they had never seen Shizuo look quite so scary before; somebody told me he looked like he was ready to murder somebody!”

[To murder Izaya, you mean.]

“Well, he never killed him, but he caught up with him. So what do you think happened?”

[Izaya probably talked Shizuo out of it with that smart mouth of his. Stop jumping to conclusions, Shinra. Nothing happened. You said it yourself, that was the day they started hating each other again. Obviously they mutually agreed that their forced friendship just wasn't working.]

“Ah Celty, I'm such a hopeless romantic that I can't help but read all the subtle undertones. Maybe you don't see it, but I do. I know I do! I bet they're across town right now, kissing each other better from that fight the other day!”

[That's wrong! So wrong, Shinra!] 

Celty shuddered at the thought as her boyfriend laughed at his own words. 

“But think about it, don't you think Shizuo has very narrow vision?”

[Huh?]

“When it comes to Izaya, I mean. During their chases, it's as though he's blind to the world around him, and all he can see is Izaya. Think about the other people that piss him off or hurt him, he takes them out with one punch or a sign post to the head! With Izaya, it's always different, like he's special.” 

[Stop trying to make it sound romantic.]

“Ha ha! But what if it is? Who knows other than those two? They're obsessed with each other after all, don't you think? So would it really be so hard to believe if there was something more than what we're lead to believe behind these chases?”

[I think you've had one two many glasses of wine.]

“Hey...” Shinra pouted, but was smiling again in a matter of seconds, “I think you're forgetting that I've watched these two for years. I've listened to them talk about one another for hours on end. Sure, on the surface it seems like they hate each other, but we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.” 

Celty waved her hands in refusal to accept Shinra's words; there was no way that those two could ever have feelings other than hatred for one another, she too had been witness to their chases and their fights, and spent many a night listening to Shizuo moan about Izaya's presence in Ikebukuro. There was no doubt in her mind that Shizuo hated Izaya's guts, his skin practically crawled at the mention of the informant's name. Perhaps Shinra would have a better idea of Izaya's feelings, but from Shizuo's end there was nothing remotely akin to love. 

She was sure of it. 

-x-

Izaya yawned, rubbing his eyes tiredly as he forced himself to continue typing. Just one more hour and he'd allow himself to call it a night, he had been slacking a little over the last few nights thanks to a frequent visitor that lately had preferred to return to Izaya's apartment rather than go to his own once his shift ended.

A coaster followed by cup of steaming tea was placed before him on the desk, and he swivelled in his office chair to smile at his guest. 

“Ah, thank you Shizu-chan. I'll be done soon.” Izaya turned back to his screen, but he felt Shizuo lean closer towards him.

“Stop pushing yourself,” Shizuo murmured, gently rubbing his fingers into the top of Izaya's head, massaging his scalp gently. “You'll make yourself sick. I can't be bothered with you when you're sick. Do you know how whiny you get?”

Izaya's eyes slipped shut and he let out a purr of approval, leaning back in his seat with a quiet creak. Most nights that Shizuo stayed over were like this; Izaya would have to work late into the night, but Shizuo would stay awake by his side, bringing him tea and making quiet conversation about the little things, he was perfect company.

“It's good to know you only care about my health so that you don't have to deal with a sick boyfriend.” 

“Hmm well, I like it when you're not screaming at me for not being quick enough with your medication.”

“What about when I'm screaming with you?” Izaya said with a wink, and Shizuo rolled his eyes. “Hmm, I must say Shizu-chan it's been a few days since you chased me around the city you know.” Izaya grinned, his hand patting at the air as he searched for his tea, his eyes still closed as he enjoyed the sensation of Shizuo's fingers scratching against his head. 

Shizuo chuckled, somehow the chase had become a form of foreplay for them. Whenever the regular sex just wasn't going to scratch the itch, then chasing each other throughout the streets of the city would usually do the trick, destroying everything in their path. 

The first time Izaya had voiced the idea Shizuo had laughed and told him it was dumb, but Izaya continued hinting for weeks. It wasn't until he pissed Shizuo off enough to initiate a real chase, only to stop in an alley and throw his body into Shizuo's arms, biting at Shizuo's neck and clawing at his clothes, had Shizuo really begun to see the benefit. It was a destructive, dangerous and unfair way to play their games, but Shizuo supposed it was just apart of their dynamic. 

Plus this way it was easier to keep up the pretence that there was nothing more than utter loathing between them. 

Honestly they hadn't intended on keeping it secret for this long, but for some reason keeping it between them made it feel more special, and Izaya seemed to enjoy the sneaking around and having sex in places he considered risky. Izaya's favourite game to play was seeing how long he could keep himself from moaning out loud for when they were doing stuff in places they could easily be caught. Shizuo secretly liked that one, too. 

They both knew one day the time would come where they'd have to tell everybody the truth, but they would cross that bridge when they got to it. It wasn't as though they hadn't spoken of the future, and what that might entail for them as a couple, but they were happy with how things were for now.

So what if they were unconventional, so what if everything they had was based on a lie that the whole city believed? It didn't matter to them, they didn't need approval or congratulations to know that they had hit the jackpot with each other. They were happy.

“Hey, Izaya,” Shizuo whispered, Izaya lazily opened his eyes, still enjoying the massage, and regarded Shizuo with a gentle smile, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Shizuo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very fragile after the latest ketsu ep, masaomi and mikado's scenes were... very intense, to say the least. I knew they would end it there. And THE SCENE happens next week, one of my most anticipated since I first read 13; Shizuo and Izaya literally make me so nervous haha orz
> 
> so what better way to cheer myself up than with some wholesome shizaya fluff! A big thank you to everybody that read this story and commented and left kudos. I know it's only a small story but as it's the first multichapter fic I've posted I wanted to start little instead of throwing myself into a 50 chapter story haha, and I'm super happy with everything you guys have said to me! So thank you, you've boosted my confidence
> 
> And see? I promised it would end nice ;)

**Author's Note:**

> This is only going to be around 7 chapters max, if all goes to plan, I've got some cute ideas and I hope to get them written down fairly soon, so hopefully I will have quick updates so long as life doesn't get in the way
> 
> Thank you for reading, and hope you enjoy :)


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